Men can be SO CLUELESS!

Warning, Warning, Warning Blog Reader...  This post is being composed in a highly agitated state!  My hope is, that in writing the post, it will dissipate some "minor" frustration.  I'll try to relay the story in a humorous manner, and maybe my frustration will be turned into laughter... (If you believe that, I have a real estate investment on Mars to tell you about.)

OK, here's what happened...

I'm relaxed and reading a christian book catalog...feet up... glass of water at my side...TV is on in the background, but I'm not paying any attention.  I'm just sitting relaxed reading a book catalog.... La de da de da...  I read the following product description:

"In Have a New Husband By Friday, author Kevin Leman shows women how making a few changes in attitude, behavior, and communication style can revolutionize their marriages and bring out the very best in their husbands.

I chuckle to myself thinking...It's a book written by a man...  He's going to tell the wives how they can change their own behavior to bring out the best in their husbands.... Could be interesting... Could be funny...might be worth buying... I go on to speculate to myself what suggestions it might include....guessing things like giving lots of positive affirmation to the husband to let him know he is loved, needed, valued, etc.  Tell him how attractive he is to you (big, strong, sexy, smart, capable, - whatever applies).  Don't expect him to read your mind; Say what you mean.  Things like that.

HERE is where I made my mistake.  I found the title and concept a bit humorous and interesting.. and thought that my husband Danny might also.. and was curious what comment he might make in response... and possibly thought it would be funny; I must have just not been thinking on that last one.  So, I read it to him...

You'll have to wait a minute to read his comment in response.  Just be patient.

Now, at this point in my story, I'm guessing that any family and friends reading this, who also know my husband well, are sure that I need to be committed.  They're saying "JANET, HAVEN'T YOU LEARNED BY NOW NOT TO GIVE HIM THAT KIND OF OPENING?!  You really expected a reasonable or funny comment in response???   They're thinking "OH NO! WHAT did Danny say?"  My only defense (please don't commit me) is that "hope springs eternal".  I think I must be an eternal optimist.  And after all, he IS a funny guy.  That is one of the things that attracted me to him.

In providing that opening, and expecting a funny response, I completely ignored the fact that he, like many others, often uses humor that is at another person's expense.  He also is oblivious (NOT A CLUE!) to things that are insulting to a wife.  I initially wrote out several vivid and convincing examples here to illustrate this point.  Believe me, all wives  would have been dumbfounded, outraged, and in complete agreement that he didn't have a clue; Even most men would shake their head and, as a friend recently suggested, think he was behaving like a Kamikaze pilot.  But the clueless illustrations were getting a bit long and had definitely left the "humorous" territory... So, I had to go back and delete them before posting this blog... But I know that you can insert your OWN examples if you're a married woman.  The sad thing is that, even after explaining to him what is insulting, he still doesn't see what the problem is...(Maybe if I get that book about men and women being from different planets, maybe that would explain something?)

So, back to my story.  I've just read the product description to him for the book.  To refresh your memory, here it is again:
"In Have a New Husband By Friday, author Kevin Leman shows women how making a few changes in attitude, behavior, and communication style can revolutionize their marriages and bring out the very best in their husbands. 

So Danny's response was, "Uh, Lose Weight and Get a Job."   THAT was his idea of what would bring out the best in HIM.  Fix ME...   I should have expected it because I've heard it so many times before.  I only let my ire show a little and told him, in a fairly strong tone "YOUR response certainly did NOT bring out the best in ME!"  That brings us to the beginning of this story, because that was when I came into my writing area and began pounding out this blog post.

He later popped into my writing room.  I was cooler by then and tried to explain to him what I thought some of the suggestions in the book might be... After my explanation, he still thought that a self-improvement goal for me would be what would bring out the best in him... Poor clueless guy...

In that kind of logic:  If HE gets on the treadmill every day, quits eating a pound of bacon at a time, and loses weight, then that will bring out the best in ME and I will miraculously lose weight and get a job!  Gee, do you think that example might get through?  If I turn his response around, suggesting that his self improvement goal is what will bring out the best in me, do you think that THEN he would see his response for what it was?  Will he realize we are each responsible for our own behavior and our own happiness?  What was that you said? No???  You think I'm naive????  Well, I TOLD you I'm an optimist, but even I don't have high hopes.

In his defense, he was under the influence of his evening medications by the time this whole encounter occurred.  He gets a bit slow and confused after taking his evening pills.   He will probably have no recollection of it all - but lucky for him, he can read this blog post to remember...Want to lay odds on whether, in his clearest of minds, that he will see that his response "Uh, lose weight and get a job" was not a good response??

Grieving our past

Lately, I've been wondering if I need to start back into counseling in order to process and grieve some issues from the past. I resist the idea for various reasons:

• I don't want to wallow in self-pity (which is easier to avoid if you don't think of it at all);
  
• I would rather just (be able to) pray through it;
  
• I don't want to spend the money or the time;
  
• but most of all.... I don't want to feel the pain.
  

I'd rather continue to avoid, bury, deny, put it out of my mind, trying to MOVE ON... I guess the reason I've been asking the question (should I return to counseling?) is that the avoidance isn't working too well for me. It's not staying buried. Depression keeps cropping up.

So, I question if the reason might be that I haven't done the necessary work to be able to MOVE ON. I know I need to be more consistent in studying the Word. But does God also want me to face and experience more of the pain before I receive complete healing?

This morning, I meditated on Psalm 119:24. I even made a index card... The scripture says "I delight in your statutes; they are my counselors." After that, I decided to put the question of (human) counseling "on hold". I plan to immerse myself in God's Word, and ask the Holy Spirit to be my Counselor. But, as I wrote the last post that included a reference to my time in Africa, painful memories and a great sense of loss intruded. I KNOW that "God is enough" for me. But I also know that he uses human beings to assist in the healing process. It's a hard question for me.

An attitude of thanksgiving

What is the strangest thing that you've thanked God for today? When we have an almost continual conversation with God with an attitude of thanksgiving, the possibilities are "unusual". I laughed at myself today when I thanked Him for being able to tell that I needed a shower! Let me give some background and explain...

I'm unemployed and my husband is retired. There are days when we have no need to leave the house. If we don't leave the house, we sometimes get lazy and don't shower and "dress for success". If that happens two days in a row, and those days include some physical work, it can result in...yup, body odor.

Another thing you have to understand is that I spent 6 months in Cameroon Africa in a village with no running water. We could have bathed in a lake, but parasites were a big problem. Having clean water for cooking and bathing was a time consuming challenge. (It became easier to understand the stories of the early settlers who took their yearly bath in the spring!)

When I first arrived in Africa, my nose would definitely detect body odor. The longer I lived there, the less noticeable it became because we all smelled the same... Your nose adjusts...

Yesterday I didn't leave the house (and didn't shower). Today, I didn't shower in the morning knowing I'd be cleaning up before going out for afternoon and evening meetings. I did some various jobs around the house, and by early afternoon, I was detecting my own odor. It wasn't pleasant. That's when I silently said "Lord, thank you that my nose can tell when I need a shower! It would be really bad if I couldn't tell!"

Some of you reading this may think it's a ridiculous story to tell, or a ridiculous thing to thank God for... But it didn't come about in an "official prayer time"... I didn't write it in a prayer journal. It was just part of a continual conversation with God as I went throughout my day.

After those silents words were directed to God, I laughed at myself. Then I was actually a bit pleased - because I think it means I'm developing an attitude of thanksgiving.

1 Thessalonians 5:17-18 (NIV) Pray continually; give thanks in all circumstances, for this is God's will for you in Christ Jesus.

Hymns versus Praise Songs

Our church, like so many others, struggles to find the right balance between traditional hymns and more contemporary praise songs. We are blessed to have a wide range of ages in our congregation. For this reason, we've continued to include traditional hymns in our service, but generally not enough to satisfy the senior members. The praise team is frustrated at times, and grows weary of the impossible task of trying to please everyone. Being a musician and praise team member takes significant time. Complaints are discouraging, and can lead to attitude issues on all sides.

The Praise Team sees the faces... The younger members have the typical blank, bored faces (no lips moving) when we sing the hymns; the senior members often look the same way when the up-beat praise songs are being sung. The praise team also has some variation in age, but generally all agree that this should not be the issue that it is... The words praising God should be more important than the style of the music! At times, we could YELL this statement! But our frustration and our "should be" thoughts don't change the fact that it continues to be a point of contention.

Our most current effort to find a balance, to meet needs and show we care about ALL ages, is to start an informal hymn sing 15 minutes before the service begins. We hope this will be a blessing to those who enjoy the hymns and that it will help them be more accepting of the newer songs during the main service. Whether it succeeds remains to be seen.

I have always enjoyed being friends with seniors in my various home congregations. I respect their wisdom and their faithfulness through the years. I enjoy offering a warm hug and a listening ear, and I love the stories they share. I empathize with their difficulty in accepting change - imagining that it will be the same for me some day. I try to understand where they're coming from in their "side" of this music "battle". Since I'm not in their shoes, my thoughts are just theories...

One theory I have is that the importance of the traditional hymn goes way beyond the music style. I think it's about memories and the feelings those memories generate. I think it's about the hymns that their mother and grandmother would hum as they worked around the kitchen, the hymns that they heard as they grew up in the church, the hymns that were playing when the Holy Spirit convicted their hearts. These hymns bring warm feelings...feelings of safety, feelings of being loved, feelings of joy, feelings of love for God. For the seniors, these hymns stir memories that help them enter in to worship.

In addition to memories, it may be about a feeling of connection and inclusion. Hearing the hymns may make them feel at home and a part of the service. So many of their loved ones have died; so many are widows and widowers feeling the pain of loss and loneliness. But hearing and singing the hymns that they used to sing standing beside their loved ones may ease that sense of loss just a bit. It's a connection to the loved ones who've gone on to the heavenly choir.

Another theory is that they want the younger generation to hear and be impacted by the hymns - in the same way they were. When something has had a great impact on you, you want others to experience it too, don't you? You want them to have the same blessing you had. You want them to grow as Christians. You think it's important that they experience it - in the same way you did. Similarly, the younger generation is excited about the contemporary music and can't understand why the seniors don't feel the same...

A more basic and obvious theory is that it's about what is familiar. When a song is familiar, it is easier to focus on worship. When you know the words (often by heart), you can more easily focus on the message. You're not struggling to read the words. You're not struggling to follow the melody. You know the song and you know the message. You have memories that often intensify the emotional impact of the message.

Those who want to transition to nearly all contemporary worship songs are quick to dismiss the "familiar" as a valid reason to continue singing hymns. We think "Christians should be willing to accept the newer songs with the same message but more contemporary music and lyrics". But, in this expectation, are we doing the same thing they are? Are we expecting them to conform to what is familiar to us? After all, the newer songs are generally what WE (the Praise Team) are most familiar with. They're easier for us to sing than the songs with more archaic words. Our emotions are much more tender as we sing songs that we've been impacted by during OUR years as a Christian.

A possible response to that argument is that the newer songs will do a better job of appealing to visitors and reaching the unsaved. Will they? Is that a valid point? That response assumes all, or most, visitors are in the younger generations... I think that may generally be true. However, it's been interesting that our church has recently had several young families come because of their children's VBS participation; and at the same time, we've had some more senior visitors start coming. Un-churched, un-saved come in all ages. (One might even argue that the elderly unsaved have less time to make their choice and we should take extra pains to rekindle memories of long ago when they were in church as a youngester.)

Our church is not yet a size that requires multiple services. We're not at a point where we would consider a "traditional" service and a "contemporary" service. I'm not sure I like that idea anyway - because (in my not so humble opinion) it would be a great loss if our services became more age specific and we lost the interaction of the various generations during the other parts of the service - testimonies, prayer requests, special music, and the 'amen' choir. Since we're not even considering separate services, I imagine we will continue to include both hymns and praise songs.

So, if we're going to continue doing what we do now - sing both hymns and praise songs - why am I even writing about it?? I'll tell you why.... because, I think it's important for us to (at least try to) understand the reasons behind our differences. I believe that the more we understand each other, the easier it is for us to extend "grace" when we think we're "right" and someone else is "wrong"; the less likely it is for these differences to divide us; and the less likely it is for the Praise team to throw up our hands in despair and say "why even try". When I analyze and try to understand, I'm better able to be merciful in my attitudes and loving in my responses (whether I think I'm "right" or not).

One final thought. Another way of blending styles has been to take a traditional hymn and "modernize" it.... change the words to be more understandable, pick up the tempo, add a guitar or drum beat, etc. Seems like a good approach, doesn't it?

I absolutely love the newer song that combines the traditional Amazing Grace with the additional part that says "My chains are gone, I've been set free; my God, my Savior, has ransomed me; and like a flood, His mercy reigns, unending love, amazing grace." (That's from memory and may not be all accurate.) Oh, how that song speaks to me and lifts my spirits... So, for me, that approach works great. But, I was dumbfounded recently when I learned that some members were UPSET about this song being sung instead of the traditional Amazing Grace. In trying to understand that, my only idea is that it's all about interrupting a memory.

Try this with me. Think of a favorite song that your mom or grandma would sing to you. Now, imagine a music style you particularly don't care for - maybe heavy metal head banging stuff, maybe rap. Take that same song you have tender, fond memories of - and think of a "remake" of the song in the new style. Change the words a bit, change the beat, change the whole feel (for you).

Did you try that? Please don't read on until you've imagined your favorite song in a different music style with different words... If you did, then read on...

What was your first internal reaction to a "updated" version of your fond memory/song?

I thought of the Christmas song - Away in the Manger - and then imagined that someone re-vamped the song with a loud rap beat and style. AWAY, AWAY, Stuck in the stinkin' barn. Only scra-tchy hay for a bed.... I think I'd scream internally - No, No, No! What are you doing? Why are you ruining a perfectly good song?

AHA! So, I don't like change either! Does that make a point? Does that help me understand senior's resistance to hymn remakes? No! I'd argue it's not the same...You can't compare that remake with a beautiful remake like the Amazing Grace/My Chains are Gone song (can you??). After all, the style is more modern, but the melody is still beautiful and uplifting - not raucous and crass.

Maybe I still don't understand the resistance completely, but maybe I understand it a little better than before. It's a different style; it's less familiar; they don't know the words yet, it wasn't the way it was sung by their mom as they grew up, or when they walked to the altar to give their heart to the Lord, or when their husband was standing beside them...

To me, I think it's all about backgrounds and life experiences. But even when we don't understand each other, we can still choose to respect one another. And, if love is our highest aim, with lots of patience and long suffering added in, we'll find a workable balance. We may have to smile at some remaining grumbles and choose not to let them discourage us - but as long as we bathe everything in love for God and love for each other, God will be glorified.

Tuesday 8/25 Update:
The post above was written on Monday 8/24. Only one day later, I can tell you the 15 minute informal hymn sing idea has already been nixed... I guess the Worship Team was incorrect in thinking we could try that without the stamp of approval of the Council... Such is how it goes. The concern, which is understandable, is that it makes the people coming in feel uncomfortable thinking the service is already started. We considered that, but figured that once they knew what was happening, if we kept it informal, it wouldn't be an issue. Apparently it is, and for the sake of visitors, I guess I agree. What I found frustrating was that some of the Council members then felt the need to go further into the hymn vs. praise song issue and try to "solve" it for us by suggesting pat answers that they seem to think we haven't considered before... They have NO IDEA how much and for how long we've struggled with it- based on the feedback we get as members of the Praise Team and Worship Team. We hear from the people. We want to meet the majority of needs of the current members as well as be relevant and attractive to visitors. It's not a simple issue for them to "solve" - and in my opinion, it's primarily the Worship team role to return to the drawing board to form the next proposal (this time we'll get all the proper stamps of approval before proceeding).

Hmmmm... I wonder if they'd go for a 8:30 to 8:45 hymn sing in the sanctuary (service is now in the fellowship building)...We could do the hymns there and then move over to the other building...

Seven months have passed

Wow. I haven't written on this blog for nearly 7 months. It's been a fairly uneventful 7 months except for a fantastic month long trip to Alaska! I highly recommend a trip to Alaska. I did enjoy the way we did it - using the Alaska Marine Highway System (ferry) and spending several days in lots of places - but for someone having only 1 or 2 weeks, I think an inside passage cruise would be the most economical way to go. We would like to go back next week - but will probably wait about 10 years, lol. I hope to start blogging again on a regular basis.