Monday, October 20, 2008

Purpose for the Pain

I have no doubt that God is allowing me to suffer and struggle with depression for a purpose. I also know that there was a purpose in my mother's emotional suffering. God's strength is made perfect in our weakness.

In 2 Corinthians 12: 7-10, Paul says,
"To keep me from becoming conceited because of these surpassingly great revelations, there was given me a thorn in my flesh, a messenger of Satan, to torment me. Three times I pleaded with the Lord to take it away from me. But he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me. That is why, for Christ's sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong."

Paul asked God to take away the "messenger of Satan" that was tormenting him. Although God's answer was no, there was a purpose - because God's power was made perfect in weakness.

Life is difficult for EVERYONE. When we see children of God persevering, because of their faith, in spite of their pain, in spite of their difficult circumstances, in spite of undeserved persecutions, we see the power of God being made perfect in weakness. It gives us examples to increase our faith, to encourage us that we can also persevere in spite of our own pain.

I really resist writing when I'm in the midst of the "pit", but I'm glad that David, the author of the Psalms, did not resist. He poured out his cries, his complaints, his depth of need. When I'm at my weakest, I turn to the Psalms for encouragement. David talks about being in despair. He talks about the "slimy pit" and he talks about God's rescue. It speaks to our own needs and encourages us that God will be faithful to us, just as He was to David. And just as reading the scripture can encourage us, hearing about another fellow believer's victory over their "thorn" can encourage us.

God's work in this world is not done. He continues to move in our lives and work miracles on our behalf, according to our faith. It would be easier if we never suffered and needed to exercise faith for a miracle. But it wouldn't be better. Easier isn't always better. There is a purpose for whatever "thorn" you have in your life. God teaches us through suffering. God wants us to place our complete dependence on Him. He wants us to believe Him for a miracle. And He wants to be glorified through the providence of that miracle.

In recent weeks, I've felt such a sense of being trapped, and confined, in a painful frame of mind. I could imagine myself within an encasement of hard rubber with my arms pinned to my sides just barely having room to push against my confinement. I push and push, but there is almost no "give" to the encasement. I can hardly breathe. I feel the need to scream - but don't allow myself because I can't let anyone know just how badly I feel... Not a pleasant image...Today, in my time with God, He gave me a new image, an image of His power slicing through that hard rubber encasement like the sharpest knife and freeing me in an instant. My arms were no longer trapped, but could extend out and be lifted up in praise! I write this post as a response to that image.

I don't know how long I may continue to struggle with depression. I don't know whether my emotional healing will be complete in an instant or whether there will be multiple times (as there have been to this point) when I will have to humbly cry out to God to rescue me. What I DO know is that there is a purpose to my suffering, that God is sufficient to meet my need, that God will give me strength for whatever He requires of me and He will use my pain to demonstrate His power in my weakness. I trust Him.

I also KNOW that, in the mental image that God showed me, the sword that was slicing through my confinement is the Word of God.

Ephesians 6:16-18
In addition to all this, take up the shield of faith, with which you can extinguish all the flaming arrows of the evil one. Take the helmet of salvation and the sword of the Spirit, which is the word of God. And pray in the Spirit on all occasions with all kinds of prayers and requests. With this in mind, be alert and always keep on praying for all the saints.

Hebrews 4:11-13
Let us, therefore, make every effort to enter that rest, so that no one will fall by following their example of disobedience. For the word of God is living and active. Sharper than any double-edged sword, it penetrates even to dividing soul and spirit, joints and marrow; it judges the thoughts and attitudes of the heart. Nothing in all creation is hidden from God's sight. Everything is uncovered and laid bare before the eyes of him to whom we must give account.

Prayer for today:
Merciful God, I thank you for the breath of fresh air you gave me today - for the image of your Word slicing through my captivity and freeing me to worship You in fullness and perfect physical and mental health. I know that is a vision of what will come to pass as I study your Word. I thank you also for the suffering, because I know it has a purpose in teaching me to depend more completely on You. I know there are so many others suffering emotionally and feeling trapped and confined, needing to scream for help, but hiding their pain. I pray that as I persevere, read your Word, and follow your direction in my life, that I may be an encouragement to someone else as they see your strength made perfect in my weakness. Thank you for your mercies that are new every morning. Amen.

Monday, October 6, 2008

Bootstraps

Have you heard the expression "Pull yourself up by your own bootstraps"? According to a phrase finder website, "The origin of this descriptive phrase isn't known. It refers to boots and their straps and to the imagined feat of lifting oneself off the ground by pulling on one's bootstraps. This impossible task is supposed to exemplify the achievement of getting out of a difficult situation by one's own efforts."

Imagine yourself lying on the ground in a pit. Now, imagine trying to get up and out of the pit by pulling on your "bootstraps". You wouldn't get very far, would you? I've heard that phrase as "advice" for dealing with depression. Not particularly helpful. Anyone who has ever experienced a deep depression knows that outside help is (sometimes desperately) needed.

In our society, we don't like to admit a need for help. We value strength and independence and self reliance. This applies to all types of problems, but there is an additional stigma associated with emotional illness. As a result, we learn to create and maintain masks and hide embarrassing emotions. Sometimes, we're so successful at this that we can be on the edge of a dangerous precipice and no one knows.

If we admit our depression, or it becomes impossible to hide, others may not want to acknowledge or discuss it because it's uncomfortable for them. Family, friends, or co-workers may feel embarrassment or shame on our behalf and want to help us ignore or hide the problem. Nice of them, isn't it? Or, maybe they do want to discuss it - but do so with (what feels like) a third degree of questions designed to find out what you are or aren't doing properly that has resulted in the problem. At times, it almost feels they are angry and asking "What's WRONG with you?! You KNOW what you need to do. Why aren't you doing it?! Why are you failing to overcome?!"

Back in the 1980's, I worked at a shelter providing services for victims of rape and domestic violence. One surprising dynamic I observed was that women were often the ones who looked for reasons to blame a rape victim. They asked questions like "What were you wearing?" "Did you know him?" "What did you do or say (to send the wrong message)?" They're asking questions, looking for something the woman did wrong, so that they can reassure themselves it is less likely to happen to them. To the victim, the questions alone can feel like condemnation.

The same thing can be true with depression or other health issues. The motivation for the questions is usually to help (rather than to find fault), but it may be demoralizing to the person suffering. Well meaning friends may ask "Are you exercising? Eating right? Journaling? Spending enough time in prayer? Studying the Word?" It's likely that the answers are "no" or "not nearly enough" and just answering the questions increases the feelings of condemnation and guilt.

You may be thinking, "But aren't those things the answer???" Yes! Prayer and Bible study are like ropes or "life-lines" that we can grasp onto and climb out of the pit. But the point isn't whether those things will help (they WILL), but whether the person is currently able to "get a grip" on the rope. Positive encouragement or action on their behalf is more helpful than assessing their failed or inadequate efforts. Instead of asking "Are you praying (enough)?", say "let's pray" and pray for them out loud. In this electronic age, another idea might be to write out your prayer for them and email it to them. Instead of asking "Are you reading your Bible (enough)?", tell them a scripture that has helped you through a difficult time, or write it on an index card and give it to them. Remind them of the power of the Word through positive encouragement.

It's difficult to have a friend or family member (spiritual or biological) dealing with depression. It takes more patience and love to walk with them through their valleys. You might even begin to feel angry and judgemental because you're tired of their ups and downs. You think they should have gained victory and overcome by now. The depressed person would certainly agree. In fact, they beat themselves up all the time telling themselves the same thing. It's probably one of Satan's most effective strategies. Thankfully, God's mercies are "new every morning.

If you are in a pit, take courage. The LORD is your portion and His compassion will never fail. If your strength is completely gone and you cannot even grasp the rope, take courage. God will lift you up and set your feet upon the rock.

Lamentations 3:22-24
"Because of the LORD's great love we are not consumed, for his compassions never fail. They are new every morning; great is your faithfulness. I say to myself, "The LORD is my portion; therefore I will wait for him."

Psalm 40:
I waited patiently for the LORD; he turned to me and heard my cry. He lifted me out of the slimy pit, out of the mud and mire; he set my feet on a rock and gave me a firm place to stand. He put a new song in my mouth, a hymn of praise to our God. Many will see and fear and put their trust in the LORD. Blessed is the man who makes the LORD his trust, who does not look to the proud, to those who turn aside to false gods. Many, O LORD my God, are the wonders you have done. The things you planned for us no one can recount to you; were I to speak and tell of them, they would be too many to declare. Sacrifice and offering you did not desire, but my ears you have pierced; burnt offerings and sin offerings you did not require. Then I said, "Here I am, I have come— it is written about me in the scroll. I desire to do your will, O my God; your law is within my heart." I proclaim righteousness in the great assembly; I do not seal my lips, as you know, O LORD. I do not hide your righteousness in my heart; I speak of your faithfulness and salvation. I do not conceal your love and your truth from the great assembly. Do not withhold your mercy from me, O LORD; may your love and your truth always protect me. For troubles without number surround me; my sins have overtaken me, and I cannot see. They are more than the hairs of my head, and my heart fails within me. Be pleased, O LORD, to save me; O LORD, come quickly to help me. May all who seek to take my life be put to shame and confusion; may all who desire my ruin be turned back in disgrace. May those who say to me, "Aha! Aha!" be appalled at their own shame. But may all who seek you rejoice and be glad in you; may those who love your salvation always say, "The LORD be exalted!" Yet I am poor and needy; may the Lord think of me. You are my help and my deliverer; O my God, do not delay.

Saturday, October 4, 2008

More scriptures for the weak

Psalm 41:1-3 (New International Version)
Blessed is he who has regard for the weak; the LORD delivers him in times of trouble. The LORD will protect him and preserve his life; he will bless him in the land and not surrender him to the desire of his foes. The LORD will sustain him on his sickbed and restore him from his bed of illness.

Ezekial 34:11-16 (New International Version)
" 'For this is what the Sovereign LORD says: I myself will search for my sheep and look after them. As a shepherd looks after his scattered flock when he is with them, so will I look after my sheep. I will rescue them from all the places where they were scattered on a day of clouds and darkness. I will bring them out from the nations and gather them from the countries, and I will bring them into their own land. I will pasture them on the mountains of Israel, in the ravines and in all the settlements in the land. I will tend them in a good pasture, and the mountain heights of Israel will be their grazing land. There they will lie down in good grazing land, and there they will feed in a rich pasture on the mountains of Israel. I myself will tend my sheep and have them lie down, declares the Sovereign LORD. I will search for the lost and bring back the strays. I will bind up the injured and strengthen the weak, but the sleek and the strong I will destroy. I will shepherd the flock with justice.

1 Thessalonians 5:13-15 (New International Version)
Hold them in the highest regard in love because of their work. Live in peace with each other. And we urge you, brothers, warn those who are idle, encourage the timid, help the weak, be patient with everyone. Make sure that nobody pays back wrong for wrong, but always try to be kind to each other and to everyone else.

2 Corinthians 12:8-10 (New International Version)
Three times I pleaded with the Lord to take it away from me. But he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me. That is why, for Christ's sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong.

Pain

It has been, and continues to be, a hard time for me. I am fighting against depression. I really don't want to write about that. That's why it's been so long since I posted. I very reluctantly decided I need to get back on some anti-depressant medicine (just started yesterday) - and I'm really, really upset by that. I feel like I've failed. I think I SHOULD be able to cope without medicine. My faith should be strong enough. My walk should be victorious enough. I know most of my feelings of condemnation are self-inflicted. But silence from a friend can feel like a judgemental attitude or like a conditional friendship. Even a loving church family does not always feel like a safe place to be "real" and admit the personal and emotional pain I'm experiencing. I am angry with myself for being depressed. I feel weak. I've heard others judged for being "weak". That adds to my distrust. I judged my mother as "weak" during my childhood when she had emotional difficulties. I never wanted to be "weak" like her. But I am. The only thing I can hold on to are the promises of the Lord for the weak. Isaiah 40:31 is a favorite verse for many. Reading it in context of the whole preceeding chapter is powerful. I am holding on to verse 29 that says "He gives strength to the weary and increases the power of the weak."

Isaiah 40
Comfort, comfort my people, says your God. Speak tenderly to Jerusalem, and proclaim to her that her hard service has been completed, that her sin has been paid for, that she has received from the LORD's hand double for all her sins. A voice of one calling: "In the desert prepare the way for the LORD; make straight in the wilderness a highway for our God. Every valley shall be raised up, every mountain and hill made low; the rough ground shall become level, the rugged places a plain. And the glory of the LORD will be revealed, and all mankind together will see it. For the mouth of the LORD has spoken." A voice says, "Cry out." And I said, "What shall I cry?" "All men are like grass, and all their glory is like the flowers of the field. the grass withers and the flowers fall, because the breath of the LORD blows on them. Surely the people are grass. The grass withers and the flowers fall, but the word of our God stands forever." You who bring good tidings to Zion, go up on a high mountain. You who bring good tidings to Jerusalem, lift up your voice with a shout, lift it up, do not be afraid; say to the towns of Judah, "Here is your God!" See, the Sovereign LORD comes with power, and his arm rules for him. See, his reward is with him, and his recompense accompanies him. He tends his flock like a shepherd: He gathers the lambs in his arms and carries them close to his heart; he gently leads those that have young. Who has measured the waters in the hollow of his hand, or with the breadth of his hand marked off the heavens? Who has held the dust of the earth in a basket, or weighed the mountains on the scales and the hills in a balance? Who has understood the mind of the LORD, or instructed him as his counselor? Whom did the LORD consult to enlighten him, and who taught him the right way? Who was it that taught him knowledge or showed him the path of understanding? Surely the nations are like a drop in a bucket; they are regarded as dust on the scales; he weighs the islands as though they were fine dust. Lebanon is not sufficient for altar fires, nor its animals enough for burnt offerings. Before him all the nations are as nothing; they are regarded by him as worthless and less than nothing. To whom, then, will you compare God? What image will you compare him to? As for an idol, a craftsman casts it, and a goldsmith overlays it with gold and fashions silver chains for it. A man too poor to present such an offering selects wood that will not rot. He looks for a skilled craftsman to set up an idol that will not topple. Do you not know? Have you not heard? Has it not been told you from the beginning? Have you not understood since the earth was founded? He sits enthroned above the circle of the earth, and its people are like grasshoppers. He stretches out the heavens like a canopy, and spreads them out like a tent to live in. He brings princes to naught and reduces the rulers of this world to nothing. No sooner are they planted, no sooner are they sown, no sooner do they take root in the ground, than he blows on them and they wither, and a whirlwind sweeps them away like chaff. "To whom will you compare me? Or who is my equal?" says the Holy One. Lift your eyes and look to the heavens: Who created all these? He who brings out the starry host one by one, and calls them each by name. Because of his great power and mighty strength, not one of them is missing. Why do you say, O Jacob, and complain, O Israel, "My way is hidden from the LORD; my cause is disregarded by my God"? Do you not know? Have you not heard? The LORD is the everlasting God, the Creator of the ends of the earth. He will not grow tired or weary, and his understanding no one can fathom. He gives strength to the weary and increases the power of the weak. Even youths grow tired and weary, and young men stumble and fall; but those who hope in the LORD will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint.