Psalm 40:1-3

Philippians 4:13

Psalm 19:1

Purpose for the Pain

I have no doubt that God is allowing me to suffer and struggle with depression for a purpose. I also know that there was a purpose in my mother's emotional suffering. God's strength is made perfect in our weakness.

In 2 Corinthians 12: 7-10, Paul says,
"To keep me from becoming conceited because of these surpassingly great revelations, there was given me a thorn in my flesh, a messenger of Satan, to torment me. Three times I pleaded with the Lord to take it away from me. But he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me. That is why, for Christ's sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong."

Paul asked God to take away the "messenger of Satan" that was tormenting him. Although God's answer was no, there was a purpose - because God's power was made perfect in weakness.

Life is difficult for EVERYONE. When we see children of God persevering, because of their faith, in spite of their pain, in spite of their difficult circumstances, in spite of undeserved persecutions, we see the power of God being made perfect in weakness. It gives us examples to increase our faith, to encourage us that we can also persevere in spite of our own pain.

I really resist writing when I'm in the midst of the "pit", but I'm glad that David, the author of the Psalms, did not resist. He poured out his cries, his complaints, his depth of need. When I'm at my weakest, I turn to the Psalms for encouragement. David talks about being in despair. He talks about the "slimy pit" and he talks about God's rescue. It speaks to our own needs and encourages us that God will be faithful to us, just as He was to David. And just as reading the scripture can encourage us, hearing about another fellow believer's victory over their "thorn" can encourage us.

God's work in this world is not done. He continues to move in our lives and work miracles on our behalf, according to our faith. It would be easier if we never suffered and needed to exercise faith for a miracle. But it wouldn't be better. Easier isn't always better. There is a purpose for whatever "thorn" you have in your life. God teaches us through suffering. God wants us to place our complete dependence on Him. He wants us to believe Him for a miracle. And He wants to be glorified through the providence of that miracle.

In recent weeks, I've felt such a sense of being trapped, and confined, in a painful frame of mind. I could imagine myself within an encasement of hard rubber with my arms pinned to my sides just barely having room to push against my confinement. I push and push, but there is almost no "give" to the encasement. I can hardly breathe. I feel the need to scream - but don't allow myself because I can't let anyone know just how badly I feel... Not a pleasant image...Today, in my time with God, He gave me a new image, an image of His power slicing through that hard rubber encasement like the sharpest knife and freeing me in an instant. My arms were no longer trapped, but could extend out and be lifted up in praise! I write this post as a response to that image.

I don't know how long I may continue to struggle with depression. I don't know whether my emotional healing will be complete in an instant or whether there will be multiple times (as there have been to this point) when I will have to humbly cry out to God to rescue me. What I DO know is that there is a purpose to my suffering, that God is sufficient to meet my need, that God will give me strength for whatever He requires of me and He will use my pain to demonstrate His power in my weakness. I trust Him.

I also KNOW that, in the mental image that God showed me, the sword that was slicing through my confinement is the Word of God.

Ephesians 6:16-18
In addition to all this, take up the shield of faith, with which you can extinguish all the flaming arrows of the evil one. Take the helmet of salvation and the sword of the Spirit, which is the word of God. And pray in the Spirit on all occasions with all kinds of prayers and requests. With this in mind, be alert and always keep on praying for all the saints.

Hebrews 4:11-13
Let us, therefore, make every effort to enter that rest, so that no one will fall by following their example of disobedience. For the word of God is living and active. Sharper than any double-edged sword, it penetrates even to dividing soul and spirit, joints and marrow; it judges the thoughts and attitudes of the heart. Nothing in all creation is hidden from God's sight. Everything is uncovered and laid bare before the eyes of him to whom we must give account.

Prayer for today:
Merciful God, I thank you for the breath of fresh air you gave me today - for the image of your Word slicing through my captivity and freeing me to worship You in fullness and perfect physical and mental health. I know that is a vision of what will come to pass as I study your Word. I thank you also for the suffering, because I know it has a purpose in teaching me to depend more completely on You. I know there are so many others suffering emotionally and feeling trapped and confined, needing to scream for help, but hiding their pain. I pray that as I persevere, read your Word, and follow your direction in my life, that I may be an encouragement to someone else as they see your strength made perfect in my weakness. Thank you for your mercies that are new every morning. Amen.

Bootstraps

Have you heard the expression "Pull yourself up by your own bootstraps"? According to a phrase finder website, "The origin of this descriptive phrase isn't known. It refers to boots and their straps and to the imagined feat of lifting oneself off the ground by pulling on one's bootstraps. This impossible task is supposed to exemplify the achievement of getting out of a difficult situation by one's own efforts."

Imagine yourself lying on the ground in a pit. Now, imagine trying to get up and out of the pit by pulling on your "bootstraps". You wouldn't get very far, would you? I've heard that phrase as "advice" for dealing with depression. Not particularly helpful. Anyone who has ever experienced a deep depression knows that outside help is (sometimes desperately) needed.

In our society, we don't like to admit a need for help. We value strength and independence and self reliance. This applies to all types of problems, but there is an additional stigma associated with emotional illness. As a result, we learn to create and maintain masks and hide embarrassing emotions. Sometimes, we're so successful at this that we can be on the edge of a dangerous precipice and no one knows.

If we admit our depression, or it becomes impossible to hide, others may not want to acknowledge or discuss it because it's uncomfortable for them. Family, friends, or co-workers may feel embarrassment or shame on our behalf and want to help us ignore or hide the problem. Nice of them, isn't it? Or, maybe they do want to discuss it - but do so with (what feels like) a third degree of questions designed to find out what you are or aren't doing properly that has resulted in the problem. At times, it almost feels they are angry and asking "What's WRONG with you?! You KNOW what you need to do. Why aren't you doing it?! Why are you failing to overcome?!"

Back in the 1980's, I worked at a shelter providing services for victims of rape and domestic violence. One surprising dynamic I observed was that women were often the ones who looked for reasons to blame a rape victim. They asked questions like "What were you wearing?" "Did you know him?" "What did you do or say (to send the wrong message)?" They're asking questions, looking for something the woman did wrong, so that they can reassure themselves it is less likely to happen to them. To the victim, the questions alone can feel like condemnation.

The same thing can be true with depression or other health issues. The motivation for the questions is usually to help (rather than to find fault), but it may be demoralizing to the person suffering. Well meaning friends may ask "Are you exercising? Eating right? Journaling? Spending enough time in prayer? Studying the Word?" It's likely that the answers are "no" or "not nearly enough" and just answering the questions increases the feelings of condemnation and guilt.

You may be thinking, "But aren't those things the answer???" Yes! Prayer and Bible study are like ropes or "life-lines" that we can grasp onto and climb out of the pit. But the point isn't whether those things will help (they WILL), but whether the person is currently able to "get a grip" on the rope. Positive encouragement or action on their behalf is more helpful than assessing their failed or inadequate efforts. Instead of asking "Are you praying (enough)?", say "let's pray" and pray for them out loud. In this electronic age, another idea might be to write out your prayer for them and email it to them. Instead of asking "Are you reading your Bible (enough)?", tell them a scripture that has helped you through a difficult time, or write it on an index card and give it to them. Remind them of the power of the Word through positive encouragement.

It's difficult to have a friend or family member (spiritual or biological) dealing with depression. It takes more patience and love to walk with them through their valleys. You might even begin to feel angry and judgemental because you're tired of their ups and downs. You think they should have gained victory and overcome by now. The depressed person would certainly agree. In fact, they beat themselves up all the time telling themselves the same thing. It's probably one of Satan's most effective strategies. Thankfully, God's mercies are "new every morning.

If you are in a pit, take courage. The LORD is your portion and His compassion will never fail. If your strength is completely gone and you cannot even grasp the rope, take courage. God will lift you up and set your feet upon the rock.

Lamentations 3:22-24
"Because of the LORD's great love we are not consumed, for his compassions never fail. They are new every morning; great is your faithfulness. I say to myself, "The LORD is my portion; therefore I will wait for him."

Psalm 40:
I waited patiently for the LORD; he turned to me and heard my cry. He lifted me out of the slimy pit, out of the mud and mire; he set my feet on a rock and gave me a firm place to stand. He put a new song in my mouth, a hymn of praise to our God. Many will see and fear and put their trust in the LORD. Blessed is the man who makes the LORD his trust, who does not look to the proud, to those who turn aside to false gods. Many, O LORD my God, are the wonders you have done. The things you planned for us no one can recount to you; were I to speak and tell of them, they would be too many to declare. Sacrifice and offering you did not desire, but my ears you have pierced; burnt offerings and sin offerings you did not require. Then I said, "Here I am, I have come— it is written about me in the scroll. I desire to do your will, O my God; your law is within my heart." I proclaim righteousness in the great assembly; I do not seal my lips, as you know, O LORD. I do not hide your righteousness in my heart; I speak of your faithfulness and salvation. I do not conceal your love and your truth from the great assembly. Do not withhold your mercy from me, O LORD; may your love and your truth always protect me. For troubles without number surround me; my sins have overtaken me, and I cannot see. They are more than the hairs of my head, and my heart fails within me. Be pleased, O LORD, to save me; O LORD, come quickly to help me. May all who seek to take my life be put to shame and confusion; may all who desire my ruin be turned back in disgrace. May those who say to me, "Aha! Aha!" be appalled at their own shame. But may all who seek you rejoice and be glad in you; may those who love your salvation always say, "The LORD be exalted!" Yet I am poor and needy; may the Lord think of me. You are my help and my deliverer; O my God, do not delay.

More scriptures for the weak

Psalm 41:1-3 (New International Version)
Blessed is he who has regard for the weak; the LORD delivers him in times of trouble. The LORD will protect him and preserve his life; he will bless him in the land and not surrender him to the desire of his foes. The LORD will sustain him on his sickbed and restore him from his bed of illness.

Ezekial 34:11-16 (New International Version)
" 'For this is what the Sovereign LORD says: I myself will search for my sheep and look after them. As a shepherd looks after his scattered flock when he is with them, so will I look after my sheep. I will rescue them from all the places where they were scattered on a day of clouds and darkness. I will bring them out from the nations and gather them from the countries, and I will bring them into their own land. I will pasture them on the mountains of Israel, in the ravines and in all the settlements in the land. I will tend them in a good pasture, and the mountain heights of Israel will be their grazing land. There they will lie down in good grazing land, and there they will feed in a rich pasture on the mountains of Israel. I myself will tend my sheep and have them lie down, declares the Sovereign LORD. I will search for the lost and bring back the strays. I will bind up the injured and strengthen the weak, but the sleek and the strong I will destroy. I will shepherd the flock with justice.

1 Thessalonians 5:13-15 (New International Version)
Hold them in the highest regard in love because of their work. Live in peace with each other. And we urge you, brothers, warn those who are idle, encourage the timid, help the weak, be patient with everyone. Make sure that nobody pays back wrong for wrong, but always try to be kind to each other and to everyone else.

2 Corinthians 12:8-10 (New International Version)
Three times I pleaded with the Lord to take it away from me. But he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me. That is why, for Christ's sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong.

Pain

It has been, and continues to be, a hard time for me. I am fighting against depression. I really don't want to write about that. That's why it's been so long since I posted. I very reluctantly decided I need to get back on some anti-depressant medicine (just started yesterday) - and I'm really, really upset by that. I feel like I've failed. I think I SHOULD be able to cope without medicine. My faith should be strong enough. My walk should be victorious enough. I know most of my feelings of condemnation are self-inflicted. But silence from a friend can feel like a judgemental attitude or like a conditional friendship. Even a loving church family does not always feel like a safe place to be "real" and admit the personal and emotional pain I'm experiencing. I am angry with myself for being depressed. I feel weak. I've heard others judged for being "weak". That adds to my distrust. I judged my mother as "weak" during my childhood when she had emotional difficulties. I never wanted to be "weak" like her. But I am. The only thing I can hold on to are the promises of the Lord for the weak. Isaiah 40:31 is a favorite verse for many. Reading it in context of the whole preceeding chapter is powerful. I am holding on to verse 29 that says "He gives strength to the weary and increases the power of the weak."

Isaiah 40
Comfort, comfort my people, says your God. Speak tenderly to Jerusalem, and proclaim to her that her hard service has been completed, that her sin has been paid for, that she has received from the LORD's hand double for all her sins. A voice of one calling: "In the desert prepare the way for the LORD; make straight in the wilderness a highway for our God. Every valley shall be raised up, every mountain and hill made low; the rough ground shall become level, the rugged places a plain. And the glory of the LORD will be revealed, and all mankind together will see it. For the mouth of the LORD has spoken." A voice says, "Cry out." And I said, "What shall I cry?" "All men are like grass, and all their glory is like the flowers of the field. the grass withers and the flowers fall, because the breath of the LORD blows on them. Surely the people are grass. The grass withers and the flowers fall, but the word of our God stands forever." You who bring good tidings to Zion, go up on a high mountain. You who bring good tidings to Jerusalem, lift up your voice with a shout, lift it up, do not be afraid; say to the towns of Judah, "Here is your God!" See, the Sovereign LORD comes with power, and his arm rules for him. See, his reward is with him, and his recompense accompanies him. He tends his flock like a shepherd: He gathers the lambs in his arms and carries them close to his heart; he gently leads those that have young. Who has measured the waters in the hollow of his hand, or with the breadth of his hand marked off the heavens? Who has held the dust of the earth in a basket, or weighed the mountains on the scales and the hills in a balance? Who has understood the mind of the LORD, or instructed him as his counselor? Whom did the LORD consult to enlighten him, and who taught him the right way? Who was it that taught him knowledge or showed him the path of understanding? Surely the nations are like a drop in a bucket; they are regarded as dust on the scales; he weighs the islands as though they were fine dust. Lebanon is not sufficient for altar fires, nor its animals enough for burnt offerings. Before him all the nations are as nothing; they are regarded by him as worthless and less than nothing. To whom, then, will you compare God? What image will you compare him to? As for an idol, a craftsman casts it, and a goldsmith overlays it with gold and fashions silver chains for it. A man too poor to present such an offering selects wood that will not rot. He looks for a skilled craftsman to set up an idol that will not topple. Do you not know? Have you not heard? Has it not been told you from the beginning? Have you not understood since the earth was founded? He sits enthroned above the circle of the earth, and its people are like grasshoppers. He stretches out the heavens like a canopy, and spreads them out like a tent to live in. He brings princes to naught and reduces the rulers of this world to nothing. No sooner are they planted, no sooner are they sown, no sooner do they take root in the ground, than he blows on them and they wither, and a whirlwind sweeps them away like chaff. "To whom will you compare me? Or who is my equal?" says the Holy One. Lift your eyes and look to the heavens: Who created all these? He who brings out the starry host one by one, and calls them each by name. Because of his great power and mighty strength, not one of them is missing. Why do you say, O Jacob, and complain, O Israel, "My way is hidden from the LORD; my cause is disregarded by my God"? Do you not know? Have you not heard? The LORD is the everlasting God, the Creator of the ends of the earth. He will not grow tired or weary, and his understanding no one can fathom. He gives strength to the weary and increases the power of the weak. Even youths grow tired and weary, and young men stumble and fall; but those who hope in the LORD will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint.

Job Hunting

I went to a job fair yesterday. I dressed professionally and showed up in advance of my appointed time. I participated in the group interview. And I came home and wanted to curl up in a fetal position! Crazy thing is... it's not even a job that matters to me! It won't pay well. It's part-time and probably not enough hours per shift to be worth the drive. So why did attending the job fair leave me feeling so stressed?


When thinking about it, the phrase that came to mind was "I put myself out there". What does that mean? Who uses that phrase? I don't think that I have ever strung those particular words together in that exact sequence before, but that is what came to mind... I put myself out there...


Put myself out there...for what? I'd rather not even answer that question. I could pretend that I don't know the answer... but I do know the answer. I put myself out there...to be judged..to be considered not good enough...or maybe to GET a job that I don't even want... I'd rather be a turtle with a hard shell and all my vulnerability tucked deep inside the shell.


These people don't know me. They don't know how hard I work. They don't know how God has gifted me with an intelligent brain. They don't know that I have an internal drive to excel at whatever I do. They don't know how friendly I can be to customers and co-workers. They don't know me...


It might be a little easier if I had a singularity of purpose regarding the exact job that I am seeking... if I could be like the Olympic athletes in Beijing. It's clear that the participants have a rock solid determination to be the best at their sport. In order to reach the point of being an Olympic competitor, they've had to have been extremely focused and disciplined (for more than a few months!). They've had to train incessantly despite pain and obstacles. They had to know what they wanted...


Why can't I just fast forward through the job hunting process and get right to the exact job that God has in store for me? It would so much easier if Jesus could just come by and say "Follow me to your new rewarding career as a __________". Then, if He could just introduce me and explain to the potential employer what a wonderful employee I'll be...


God does have the power to bring the job to my lap and open all the doors with big billboards pointing the way. So why doesn't it work that way? Because there is something to be learned in the process. The Israelites had to wander for 40 years because they needed to learn lessons first. I have to go through this uncertainty because I need to wait upon God. I need to increase my dependence and trust upon Him. I have to go through the feelings of vulnerability because I need to remember and know that I am a loved child of God. I have to overcome fear of rejection and know that His approval is all that matters.

We don't grow in our Christian walk if things are too easy.

James 1:2-12
Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance. Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything. If any of you lacks wisdom, he should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to him. But when he asks, he must believe and not doubt, because he who doubts is like a wave of the sea, blown and tossed by the wind. That man should not think he will receive anything from the Lord; he is a double-minded man, unstable in all he does. The brother in humble circumstances ought to take pride in his high position. But the one who is rich should take pride in his low position, because he will pass away like a wild flower. For the sun rises with scorching heat and withers the plant; its blossom falls and its beauty is destroyed. In the same way, the rich man will fade away even while he goes about his business. Blessed is the man who perseveres under trial, because when he has stood the test, he will receive the crown of life that God has promised to those who love him.

Another lie exposed!

I was watching Joyce Meyer yesterday morning on the TV broadcast "Enjoying Everday Life". She made a point that was a new thought for me. What Joyce said was, something along the lines of, we may mess up Plan A, but God can turn Plan B into far more than Plan A ever would have been... That's an exciting and freeing thought for someone who is (at least) on Plan D!

For years, I've been convinced that I would never experience God's absolute best plan for my life because of mistakes I've made. I knew that God would take my mistakes and work them out for my good, but I still believed that I would never experience the BEST of what He had originally planned for me. I've made that comment in Sunday School settings and no one ever challenged it as being wrong.

Why did I think that? Because I was listening to another one of Satan's lies. Satan wants us weighed down in a spirit of condemnation and not fully understanding God's grace.

I knew I deserved punishment for my sins and did not deserve to receive God's best...That was only for other believers who hadn't messed up as badly as I... Well, you know what???? That was a LIE.

Yes, there are consequences of sin. But they are NOTHING, repeat that, NOTHING, in comparison to God's power to redeem. The scripture in Romans 8 doesn't say "Therefore, there is only a little condemnation... It says there is NO CONDEMNATION for those who are IN CHRIST JESUS. Hallelujah!

Read it out loud with me:

Romans 8:1-4 Therefore there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus. For the law of the Spirit of life in Christ Jesus has set you free from the law of sin and of death. For what the Law could not do, weak as it was through the flesh, God did: sending His own Son in the likeness of sinful flesh and as an offering for sin, He condemned sin in the flesh, so that the requirement of the Law might be fulfilled in us, who do not walk according to the flesh but according to the Spirit.

God is more powerful than our failures. He is merciful in forgiving. He will thwart the enemy and turn our weaknesses into victory. His grace endures forever and His BEST is for every believer. You. Me.

Zephaniah 3:14-17 Sing, O Daughter of Zion; shout aloud, O Israel! Be glad and rejoice with all your heart, O Daughter of Jerusalem! The LORD has taken away your punishment, he has turned back your enemy. The LORD, the King of Israel, is with you; never again will you fear any harm. On that day they will say to Jerusalem, "Do not fear, O Zion; do not let your hands hang limp. The LORD your God is with you, he is mighty to save. He will take great delight in you, he will quiet you with his love, he will rejoice over you with singing."

Pulling weeds

I love the way God uses nature to give us "object lessons". An object lesson is a practical or concrete illustration of a principle. This object lesson is about pulling weeds.

My husband and I almost never use our front door entrance. We drive into the attached garage, and enter the house through the kitchen. We rarely have company, and when we do, they often enter through the garage. I can go months without walking the front sidewalk.

I wasn't totally unaware that the front landscaping needed attention. I just didn't want to deal with the problem. I am 47 years old, 100 pounds overweight, and out of shape. Weed pulling is hard work. I didn't care enough to make the effort (i.e. I was lazy). Some people care too much about what others think. I probably don't care enough!

Eventually, the weeds were so tall that you didn't have to walk the sidewalk to see them...you could see them from the highway! I mean they truly looked like tall ornamental grass, only ugly. Is there such a thing as "ornamental weeds"? By this time, they were so overwhelming that I... continued to ignore the problem for awhile longer!

Finally, I knew I had to do something and so I hired my nephew to help me. I wasn't completely unwilling to do the work, but I had let it get beyond my ability to accomplish in a reasonable time frame.

Some of the weeds were really hard to uproot, just as I expected. In those cases, it took some hefty tools and quite a bit of time to dig them up. But some of the weeds came up very easily because they had shallow roots. As he and I were working on a section where that was the case, I was even more ashamed of myself than before for letting the bed get so out of control. Had I tried to work on that section, I could have resolved at least part of the problem much sooner.

Because there were so many weeds, the job wasn't accomplished while my nephew was here to help me. One flower bed still has weeds that I will tackle a little at a time as my body is able. Now, you may think this is crazy, but I felt like God suggested that I get on my knees and pull some weeds while it was cool this morning. Not just a suggestion that I go get started pulling the remaining weeds, but a suggestion that I do it "on my knees".

So, I go out and begin. I got my kneeling pad and began to pull. After a small section was done, I tried to get up. When you are terribly out of shape, it is HARD to get up from a kneeling position without something to hold on to. For a moment, I thought the highway department workers (who were working directly in front of our house) would have to come get me up! If any of them had taken video of me getting up, it could probably be a YouTube hit because it was so ridiculously embarrasingly awkward.

After a brief rest, I began again, but I didn't want to get back on my knees. I had so much difficulty getting up the first time, I didn't want to risk it again. So I tried pulling the weeds from a standing position. Oh my hurting back! Then I tried pulling from a sitting position and that wasn't effective at all. Finally, I got back on my knees. Amazingly the weeds were so much easier to pull from a kneeling position.... That's when God gave me the object lesson. Janet, if you will get on your knees, the weeds that need to be pulled in your life will come up a whole lot easier!

If I consider the whole weed pulling experience, there are more object lessons to be drawn. When I use the term "weeds", think of anxiety, fears, improper desires, bad attitudes, selfishness, etc. Most of us know what our weeds are...

• Ignoring weeds just avoids the problem until it is much harder to address.
• Eventually your weeds will become visible to all.
• New weeds, without time to establish their roots, are much easier to pull.
• Out of control weeds take some powerful tools (God's Word & Holy Spirit) to uproot.
• Sometimes we need to ask for help when a weed problem has become overwhelming.
• It will take perseverance to pull a large well established bed of weeds.
• Weeds are a whole lot easier to pull on our knees.

2 Chronicles 7:14 If my people, who are called by my name, will humble themselves and pray and seek my face and turn from their wicked ways, then will I hear from heaven and will forgive their sin and will heal their land.

Do you have any weeds to be pulled? Are you resisting a humble, on your knees, position before God? Join me on my knees...

Root Digging Breakthrough... Beth Moore Conference

I just returned home from a Beth Moore conference in Louisville KY. In the conference, Beth explored the parable of the sower from Luke 8. She brought out the following seven points:

• Treasure the wonder (of God’s Word).


• Protect your heart (that Satan might not steal God’s Word from your heart).


• Expect the Test (because it will come).


• Dig the roots (so that you do not fall away easily in time of testing).


• Stop the choke (of anxiety and seeking worldly pleasures).


• Retain the Word (deep in your heart, daily, early in the morning).


• Press forth to your 100 fold harvest (persevere).
  

The first part of my "root digging breakthrough" came in a side note related to “dig the root”. Beth said that our roots will only go as deep as our understanding of God’s love for us. You know how people talk about “light bulb” moments? Well, that was like a “lightening bolt” moment for me.

I have struggled my entire life with not feeling loved and or loveable, and I have never figured out why (until today! I'll write more about that later. Isn't it exciting?!). I believed that God loved others. In fact, I could believe He loved everyone else in the entire world except me. I could say, with some “head knowledge” that He loved me, but I had no “heart knowledge” of it. I just could not feel or accept God’s love for ME, but I also couldn't figure out why I felt so unlovable. If our roots can only go as deep as our knowledge of God’s love, then it is no wonder that I have never gained any deep rooted staying power in victorious living.

I’ve experienced plenty of times when I got a start at victorious living. I would get into the Word and begin to gain some victory. But time after time, my perseverance was lacking. If I could step back through each of those times to examine what derailed me, I suspect that every time it was Satan’s lie that I was not loved. The most recent example of this cycle was in the weeks preceding the Beth Moore conference. In June, I attended Ichthus, a Christian music festival in Wilmore KY. I was really challenged and uplifted to commit to a deeper level of Christian living. I made a renewed effort in regularly reading God's Word, spending time in prayer, making healthier food choices, exercising, and beginning to write. But like many times before, as the days passed, I began to struggle in all of those same areas where I had begun to gain victory. The struggle became intense in the week preceding the Beth Moore conference. Satan was sending his spiritual assassins out in an effort to keep me from attending.

If I were writing this story as a "graphic novel", a (not so) comic book, the cartoon illustration would go like this:

Satan has his minions (henchmen, lackeys) gathered and says "Well, we've almost wiped out all of the progress that God made with Janet during Ichthus. But there is great danger. She has a ticket to a Beth Moore conference! We absolutely cannot let her attend. Go do everything you can to cause conflict in her life and, most important of all, keep her believing that she is not loved. That is her greatest weakness."

It almost worked. A combination of hurts made me want to pull away and just avoid being with my sisters in Christ who would be attending the conference. Satan did not want me to hear the spiritual truths that would be shared at the conference. How Satan was defeated in that effort is a story for another day, but it required a woman of spiritual substance to pull me through.

The lightening bolt truth that Satan desperately wanted me NOT to hear at the conference was that my roots were being kept at a shallow level by my lack of understanding and belief in God’s love for me. I already knew that I lacked perseverance. I certainly knew that I struggled with believing in God's love of me. But now I knew that these two problems were intimately connected. Eureka!

This portion of the teaching came right before a break when "encouragers" were available to pray with me. Cartoon time again...

Janet says to herself "Great! I'll go ask for prayer in figuring out how to deepen my understanding of God's love." Off she goes to find the prayer area. Satan, even more desperate than before, says to his henchmen: "Do NOT let her find the prayer area. We have to keep her chained in the lie that she is not loved. If God breaks that chain, she might KEEP reading her Bible longer than ever before. Oh sure, she'll do better for awhile, just from a temporary inspiration of being at that dratted conference. But if we can keep her out of God's word on a continuing basis, we can keep her feeling unloveable, weak, and ineffective as a Christian. She must not find the prayer area. Go!"

So it's break time, and I head down to find the area where “encouragers” were available to pray with me. But I was in an unfamiliar and huge facility. My seat was on level 5, and the prayer area was down on the main level. I got off the escalator on both level 1 and level 2, but every door I entered off of the lobby took me into hallways with classrooms. I still don't know how you get to the main level of the sanctury!

Next cartoon...

After multiple failed attempts to find the prayer area, Janet passes a greeter giving instructions on where to find the refreshments. Most everyone seems to be following their directions and heading off for some snacks. Janet thinks to herself, maybe I should just go get something to eat. I am starving... Or I could look at the book tables. I know where that is. God's spirit whispers "You can hold out for physical food until after the conference is over and you can find the books another time. Just go back to your seat and read my Word. I want to feed you the bread of life." Janet goes back to her seat on Level 5 and opens the Word searching for some insight. Double Drat!! Satan knows he is defeated now.

That’s when the second portion of my breakthrough came. In a somewhat noisy sanctuary, where many woman were chatting (not following the request to keep the sanctuary as a sanctuary), I sat down and began to read my Bible. The Holy Spirit as my encourager lead me to a Word of promise and shed some light on my darkness. In Psalms 129:2-4 I read “They have greatly oppressed me from my youth, but they have not gained the victory over me. Plowmen have plowed my back and made their furrows long. But the LORD is righteous; he has cut me free from the cords of the wicked.”

The new truth that the Lord showed me is that the oppression from my youth was in seeing and feeling my mom’s pain and insecurity and her lack of understanding that she was loved. My mom was diagnosed paranoid schizophrenic and suffered numerous psychotic breaks throughout her life. It was extremely frightening as a small child and still difficult as an adult. I’ve always known that I was profoundly impacted by her mental illness and I can pinpoint some specific impacts. What I didn’t understand was that my inability to feel love was directly related. I had considered that possibility before, but had discounted it as not being the cause because despite mom’s illness, she showed me love. I didn’t suffer verbal or physical abuse. She and my dad expressed love. Yet I still couldn’t feel love. Why? During that break, God’s spirit spoke to me and said “You didn’t feel love because your mom didn’t feel loved. You didn't experience abuse, but you saw and experienced your mom's pain and turmoil. If she didn’t feel loved, how could you feel love? You saw yourself being so much like her. If she wasn’t loveable, neither were you. You believed the same lies that kept her chained and in bondage. But that passage of Scripture in Psalm 129 is for YOU. Your mom was greatly oppressed and that oppression continued in your life. But I AM RIGHTEOUS. I AM CUTTING YOU FREE FROM THE CORDS OF THE WICKED! And He added “NOW!”

This was my first experience with a Beth Moore conference. I have not yet done a Beth Moore Bible study. So, several times when she used the phrase a “destiny Word”, I kind of wondered about it. It’s not a concept I’m familiar with, but I suspect that the promise of deliverance in Psalm 129:4 spoken to me during that conference is a “destiny word” for me. Life changing. Delivering. Breaking the chains of Satan's lies. Illuminating the darkness with a truth that will allow my roots to grow deeper in the knowledge of God’s love for me so that I can withstand the time of testing.

It was still conference break time and God continued to whisper to me. As a child and a youth, I hurt with the question of why mom wasn’t healed of her mental anguish. As an adult, I’ve come to know that she WAS ultimately healed through death in this life and the transition to a heavenly life. I’ve also known that God has the ability and desire to take my mom’s pain - and my pain growing up with her mental illness - and use it for the benefit of others in similar pain. I’ve felt strong leading to write about it. It‘s one of those things that I began, but did not persevere. God began to gently remind me of this during the break.


The conference resumed and Beth continued teaching. Within a few minutes, she was addressing the point that God will birth passion from our pain. She shared the idea that the only reason we are left in this world when we accept salvation (rather than being immediately united with God) is in “mercy to a hurting world”. If we allow Him, God will use our pain, and our victory through Him, to show mercy to others who are hurting in the same way. That was a direct confirmation of what God had spoken to me during the break. What a blessing, and a sober challenge, to have that confirmation!


I know that the lightening bolt message showing me what was hindering my root growth, and the scriptural promise of deliverance is a new beginning, but it has to be followed with a “long obedience in the same direction“. I have to persevere in reading God‘s Word every day. I have to study about God’s love and hide it deep in my heart so that Satan cannot steal it back from me. I have to expect testing. I have to dig the roots and let God’s word heal and restore me one word at a time. I have to stop the choke "with the Holy Spirit giving me the Heimlich maneuver!", retain the word deep in my heart, and press forth to my 100 fold harvest.


I believe the promise. Now I have to live it. Praise God that His Love Endures Forever!

Learning Lessons

Has anyone joined me in a 40 day effort to work on some issue? If so, how is it going?

I haven't weighed, but I sure have goofed up in several other ways. I wish I could work on all issues simultaneously, and I wish that once I learned a lesson, I would never fail in that area again. Wouldn't that be great?! Unfortunately, most of us are pretty hard headed and it usually takes numerous attempts before we learn a lesson well.

I am so glad that God's love endures forever and He doesn't give up on us. I'm glad that He provided lots of examples in the Bible of people who were weak but who were used mightily anyway. I think one key is learning to surrender and knowing where our help comes from. When we try to succeed in our own power, we fail over and over again. When we surrender to God, acknowledge Him as Lord, and allow His power to work through us, we have victory. The sooner we learn that, the sooner we will see real change in our lives.

Psalm 118:
Give thanks to the LORD, for he is good; his love endures forever.
Let Israel say: "His love endures forever."
Let the house of Aaron say: "His love endures forever."
Let those who fear the LORD say: "His love endures forever."
In my anguish I cried to the LORD, and he answered by setting me free.
The LORD is with me; I will not be afraid. What can man do to me?
The LORD is with me; he is my helper. I will look in triumph on my enemies.
It is better to take refuge in the LORD than to trust in man.
It is better to take refuge in the LORD than to trust in princes.
All the nations surrounded me,
but in the name of the LORD I cut them off.
They surrounded me on every side,
but in the name of the LORD I cut them off.
They swarmed around me like bees,
but they died out as quickly as burning thorns;
in the name of the LORD I cut them off.
I was pushed back and about to fall,
but the LORD helped me.
The LORD is my strength and my song;
he has become my salvation.
Shouts of joy and victory resound in the tents of the righteous:
"The LORD's right hand has done mighty things!
The LORD's right hand is lifted high;
the LORD's right hand has done mighty things!"
I will not die but live, and will proclaim what the LORD has done.
The LORD has chastened me severely,
but he has not given me over to death.
Open for me the gates of righteousness;
I will enter and give thanks to the LORD.
This is the gate of the LORD through which the righteous may enter.
I will give you thanks, for you answered me;
you have become my salvation.
The stone the builders rejected has become the capstone;
the LORD has done this, and it is marvelous in our eyes.
This is the day the LORD has made;
let us rejoice and be glad in it.
O LORD, save us; O LORD, grant us success.
Blessed is he who comes in the name of the LORD.
From the house of the LORD we bless you.
The LORD is God, and he has made his light shine upon us.
With boughs in hand, join in the festal procession up to the horns of the altar.
You are my God, and I will give you thanks;
You are my God, and I will exalt you.
Give thanks to the LORD, for he is good; his love endures forever.

ANOTHER post about weight issues?!

I hesitate to keep writing about weight loss issues, since not everyone can relate. I don't know if I have any "readers" out there besides my friends and family, but I'd like to think that I was writing something that would encourage or challenge even the skinny readers.

In the last post, I wrote about the need to discipline myself to eat right regardless of whether I'm getting any positive reinforcement from the scales. What is your issue? Do you need to increase your love for your spouse through acts of service (or some other "love language") regardless of whether he/she responds? Do you need to change an attitude whether anyone notices or not? Gee, I've been SO much more patient lately and YOU DON'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT!!

If we listen, God will deal with us individually on the things that need to change in our lives. And we should be glad!

Proverbs 3: 11-12 says "My son, do not despise the LORD's discipline and do not resent his rebuke, because the LORD disciplines those he loves, as a father the son he delights in."

If we don't respond to God's prompting and correction on an issue, we can expect a more public correction, such as what Jesus described in Matthew 18:15-17:

"If your brother sins against you,go and show him his fault, just between the two of you. If he listens to you, you have won your brother over. But if he will not listen, take one or two others along, so that 'every matter may be established by the testimony of two or three witnesses. If he refuses to listen to them, tell it to the church; and if he refuses to listen even to the church, treat him as you would a pagan or a tax collector.

We all have areas where improvement is needed. I encourage you to join me in a 40 day challenge to work on whatever issue that God lays upon your heart. If you don't think that you have any issues that need work, then I encourage you to spend the next 40 days asking God to open your eyes and increase your humility...

40 day exercise in discipline

When I started dieting back in November, I weighed myself constantly. I know all of the experts tell you not to weigh more than once a week, but I've never, ever, listened to them. This time my weighing was obsessive. I would step on the scales every time I went in the bathroom. It became a curiosity as much as anything because I was amazed at how much my weight could fluctuate even within a single day.

The constant weighing seemed to desensitize me to the ups/downs. I think it actually helped me to stay calm when the scales would go in the wrong direction for a few days. When the numbers decreased, I adopted the practice of not considering the pounds lost until I had been below the new weight consistently for about a week. I'd think of my weight loss in terms of a five pound range, such as 20 - 25 loss.

As I settled into the diet, the frequency of my weighing decreased but I was still weighing once a day. It was going well, and from December through April, I averaged about ten pounds loss per month.

In the last two months, however, I've been struggling. As I watched the first 5 pounds creep back on, I figured it was water. But those 5 didn't go away, and another 5 joined them. Finally I got a grip and quit splurging as often. I lost those same 10 pounds again and weigh about what I did 2 months ago.

In the last week or two, the scales haven't moved in either direction, and it's creating problems for me. I'm not getting the reward of seeing the numbers go down and I'm fighting discouragement. What happened to "one healthy choice at a time"? It was supposed to be about getting healthy, not losing a certain amount of weight in a certain time frame. All of that self-talk worked just fine as long as I was losing weight!!! Isn't it easy to believe we have strength until we're actually tested?

In looking inward and analyzing why I've been struggling, I have to face the fact that my discipline is weak. I'm much too dependent on immediate gratification. I don't like that about myself. I need to "walk the talk" and turn the slogans into reality. I need to be strong enough to make healthy eating choices just because it's the right thing to do for my body. I need to be OK with waiting for the reward.

In my Bible study today, I was reading about Jesus appearing to the disciples after the resurrection. I never remember knowing a time frame associated with that, but Acts 1:3 says "He appeared to them over a period of forty days and spoke about the kingdom of God." The length of 40 days shows up repeatedly in the Bible; It must be a particularly good time frame for learning lessons. Since I need a change in battle strategy - to take the focus off of the scale - I've decided not to allow myself to weigh for the next 40 days. It may seem silly to some, but it will be very difficult for me. I hope it will be a good exercise in discipline. Eating healthy in obedience to God's instruction should be reward enough.

1 Corinthians 6: 19-20 says: Do you not know that your body is a temple of the Holy Spirit, who is in you, whom you have received from God? You are not your own; you were bought at a price. Therefore honor God with your body.

The battle

A few days ago, I decided that I need to exercise on our treadmill on a regular basis. I want to have a walking routine firmly established before fall when I close the pool. I did walk that night and was pleasantly surprised that my walking stamina had increased since previous "spurts". Swimming in the pool must be doing me some good. Since then, two days have passed when I did not walk on the treadmill. And, I really don't want to today. It could be easy to keep putting it off and let fall/winter creep up on me with no routine in place.

Yesterday, I'm sure I read my Bible in the morning, but I don't think I picked one up later in the day even though I have them strategically located in all of my resting places.

Last night, all I wanted to do was EAT. I've let myself run out of good fruit and crunchy veggies, so snack choices are more limited. I didn't get completely out of control, but I also didn't journal every bite. I'm fighting a mental battle against discouragement because I'm looking at the overwhelming mountain of fat that needs to be removed. I need to refocus my eyes...

Just yesterday I wrote about an endurance marathon versus a sprint. Today, I am mentally fighting the exact enemies that can turn my marathon into just another sprint. It would be so easy to succumb to fatigue and apathy and deceive myself into thinking that a day or two without reading my Bible, a day or two without exercising, a day or two eating what I want, couldn't hurt.

I'm not well prepared for battle. I know my enemies. I watch them approach. I even foolishly allow them to pick at me. Failure to act could allow them to devour me. I need help.

Deuteronomy 20:3-4 He shall say: "Hear, O Israel, today you are going into battle against your enemies. Do not be fainthearted or afraid; do not be terrified or give way to panic before them. For the LORD your God is the one who goes with you to fight for you against your enemies to give you victory.

Psalm 119:114 You are my refuge and my shield; I have put my hope in your word.

Isaiah 40:31 but those who hope in the LORD will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint.

I started this post early this morning and saved it in draft. It was past 6:00 p.m. by the time I made myself get on the treadmill, but I finally did. I put on a Praise Walk CD and walked to some uplifting scriptural praise songs. It felt great!! It felt like a victory in a battle.

I need to get better prepared for the next battle and quit allowing the enemies to get so close! Gotta go. My Bible is waiting.

Will this be a sprint or the start of a marathon?

I rarely do housework, but today I had a spurt of motivation and began working on the guest room, a.k.a. catch-all, hide-it-away, junk room. As I sorted through drawers and junk piles, I found several journals from years past. Each had just a few entries…and then they ended. I skimmed a few of the passages and the themes were familiar. I tend to journal when I am putting effort into a new commitment, such as a diet, or when I am inspired from spending regular time in God’s Word. Kind of like now…and this blog.

It’s sobering to look at all of the past starts, to realize how short-lived they were, and to imagine how different I would be today if any one of those starts had continued and become my consistent way of life. If I let myself, I could really get into some serious self-flagellation focusing on all of the failures of the past. I could sadly convince myself that this time will be no different. So, alas, I might as well give up now. I could do that, if I had no hope. But I do have hope and I am determined to learn from the past.

Time and time again, my experience has been that when I am spending time in communion with God, there is supernatural joy and strength for life’s challenges. When I get lazy and drift away from consistent time with God, I lose the struggle. Depression creeps in. Old habits return. My Bible gets dusty and life loses it‘s joy. The only way that this time will be any different is through perseverance and commitment.

Hebrews 12:1 says “Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles, and let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us.”

If I characterized my Christian walk to-date in race terms, I would have to describe it as a serious of sprints, with a lot of back-tracking in-between spurts. It should be more like an endurance marathon. What will help me persevere? Hebrews 12 verse 2 goes on to say “Let us fix our eyes on Jesus”.

Matthew 14 tells of a time when Peter had his eyes fixed on Jesus, but then he looked at the storm. If your Bible has headings, the heading for verses 22 through 34 is probably “Jesus walks on water.” But Peter walked on the water too! It just was a very short-lived walk. He stepped out in faith and actually began walking on the water. But then he looked at the wind, became afraid, and began to sink.

I feel like my numerous past journals represent times when I had a very short-lived walk on the water. With eyes fixed on Jesus, I began to experience victory in some area of life. Then I took my eyes off Jesus and the entries end. Sometimes I stayed in the water way too long, coming dangerously close to drowning, before calling out to Jesus to be rescued. The only way I can break that cycle and run an endurance marathon, instead of another sprint, is to keep my eyes fixed on Jesus. If I do that, all things are possible. Let the storms rage around me, but let me keep my eyes fixed on Jesus.

Being who we were created to be

On the way home from church yesterday, I saw a deer in mid-air as it was bounding through the field. It was a majestic sight. How wonderful that the deer was behaving exactly as it was created to be, and I was able to enjoy and marvel at the sight.

I began thinking about animals and flowers and all of creation other than man. I couldn’t think of any plant or animal that isn’t beautiful and majestic in it’s own way. I’ve never seen an uninjured deer that chose to limp along. Or a flower that decided it didn’t want to bloom… a fish that didn’t want to swim…a bird that didn’t want to fly. All of creation, other than man, seem to know exactly what they were created to be, and they’re being exactly that. Man, on the other hand, is a completely different story.

We learn early on to fear. We squelch down dreams (our own and others) and settle for the ordinary. We are rarely “majestic”. In some ways, I envy the animals. How wonderful, to be just be as God intended without the complications of the “knowledge of good and evil”. If man had never sinned, can you imagine the majestic beings we would be? But man did sin, and we are a far cry from majestic. Thankfully, that isn’t the end of the story.

Romans 8 verses 1 and 2 say “There is therefore now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus. For the law of the Spirit of life in Christ Jesus has set you free from the law of sin and death. “ Read the whole chapter. It talks about the “anxious longing of creation” “waiting eagerly for the revealing of the sons of God”. As children of God, we have His Spirit within us. As we walk according to the Spirit, and not according to the flesh, we become more and more of the creation God intended.

Yesterday was a day when the messages were “in sync” and it was clear that God was speaking to me on the topic of being who I was created to be. The sermon was on overcoming excessive fear. The Sunday School lesson was on the gifts of the Spirit. Seeing the deer turned my mind toward thoughts of God and the truth that He doesn’t make mistakes in creation. Later in the day, a scripture I was reading talked about how God offers us living water, but we build man-made cisterns that are broken and hold no water.

I don’t want to limp along in life when I was created to bound majestically. I don’t want to strain to drink from an empty broken man-made cistern when I can choose Living Water. It’s scary to even allow yourself to imagine that you could be more. Fear has programmed us to crawl instead of fly. But Romans 8:15 says “For you did not receive a spirit that makes you a slave again to fear, but you received the Spirit of sonship. And by him we cry, "Abba, Father."

Cry “Abba, Father” and choose the law of the Spirit of life in Christ Jesus. Let's bound like a deer, bloom like a beautiful flower, rise up on wings like eagles; Let‘s be the Sons of God we were created to be.

Cleaning closets

A few days ago, I started a closet cleaning project pulling out most of my winter clothes. This isn’t the usual shuffle of out of season clothes from one closet to another; I have a large walk-in closet with plenty of room for my entire wardrobe. There’s nothing wrong with these clothes. In fact, if it was still winter, these are the clothes I’d be wearing. Some of them have only been worn a few times. So, why am I getting rid of them? Because I don’t want it to be easy to return to unhealthy eating habits. I want it to hurt my wallet and my pride if I need clothes anywhere near the same size by next winter. I’m not buying new clothes in every size on my way down, but if I remain committed to healthier eating choices, the clothes being pulled from my closet will be way too big by next winter.

The negative (practical?) side of me thinks I should box them up and hold on to them, just in case. I would even understand if my friends and family tactfully suggested I hold on to them. After all, I dieted down to a size 10 in 1989 and then proceeded to gain 10 pounds a year for the next 15 years. I’m much more experienced in gaining weight than in losing it!

I wish I could say with complete confidence that I will never need my tent dresses again, but I am not that naïve. It is possible that next fall I could be writing a blog post about the pain of buying size 3X clothes when I gave away a whole wardrobe in that size. But I am willing to take that risk. I’m getting rid of these clothes as a vote of confidence in myself and an extra motivation. When I’m deciding how often to allow myself a “splurge”, I want to remember that I have no size 3X in my closet, waiting, just in case.

I wonder if there are any other areas of my life where I need to “clean the closet” so to speak. Am I holding on to anything else “just in case” I fail. What about you?

Dogs...an excellent creation

I can’t write a blog for very many days without finding an excuse to include pictures of my babies. I’ll save the (6!) cats for later. Today, it’s my dogs Chewie and Pepper that I want to talk about.

Aren’t they sweet looking? If you were meeting them in person, they’d no doubt try to lick your face and give you kisses… without knowing much of anything about you… without knowing if you loved them too…. without knowing whether you’d be kind to them again tomorrow. So loving. So trusting.

Why can’t we be more like dogs? Think how excited your dog gets when you return home. If you’ve never had a dog, trust me, they get EXCITED. Now imagine if your spouse (or son/daughter, mother/father) greeted you like that when you returned home EVERY day. Dogs don’t ever seem to get blah about things….oh, it’s just you again…let me get back to my bone…. No, they are excited, up on their feet, tails wagging, eyes bright, ready to give you hugs (knock you down rambunctiously) and kisses (slobbery licks).

We had a dog named Josh that turned circles when he got excited. We’d come home and he’d be going round and round by the fence, so excited to see us. One day when my husband Danny came home and I was in the doggy yard, I turned circles too. That’s been a long time ago. I probably need to turn some circles for him today to show him how much I love him.

Another thing about dogs is their seeming ability to forgive. Have you ever accidentally stepped on, or kicked your dog (they do get underfoot sometimes)? They’ll yelp and run away momentarily, but within seconds they’re back being their loving selves. Is it because they have limited memories and have already forgotten that you hurt them? Or, are they smart enough to understand you saying, “Sweetie, I’m so sorry; I didn’t mean to hurt you”, and trusting enough to believe that you won’t turn around and do it again?

Dogs don’t wait until you’ve failed to get their dinner on time and then bring up all the times you’ve been late in the past. They don’t ignore you when you come home because they’re mad at you for being preoccupied and ignoring them. They don’t wait until you’ve shown excitement to see them before they do the same. They are not a “you love me first and then I’ll love you” type of animal.

Regardless of what is going on in those sweet doggy brains, I think we could learn a few things from them. We do need to have some protection in place for our heart so that we don’t offer it up on a platter to be hurt again and again - but we need a balance too - where we can forgive others first and be able to love and trust again. Maybe not as quickly as our dogs, but sooner than next year.

I believe God created all things. I think He did an especially excellent job with dogs.

Let the dead bury the dead.

Matthew 8: 18-22
When Jesus saw the crowd around him, he gave orders to cross to the other side of the lake. Then a teacher of the law came to him and said, "Teacher, I will follow you wherever you go." Jesus replied, "Foxes have holes and birds of the air have nests, but the Son of Man has no place to lay his head." Another disciple said to him, "Lord, first let me go and bury my father." But Jesus told him, "Follow me, and let the dead bury their own dead."


Wow. Let the dead bury their own dead…

We lead our busy lives, fitting into society quite well, and feel pretty good when we squeeze in time for prayer, Bible study, and church activities. (No preaching in the desert, camel hair wardrobe and diets of wild honey and locusts for us.)

Can you imagine yourself in the place of the man whose father had just died? Jesus says “follow me”. You say, “Sure Lord. I’ll be right there. I just need to bury my father first.” Seems reasonable, doesn’t it? If ANYTHING would be a good reason for a short delay, wouldn’t that be it?!! How are you supposed to drop everything and follow when you haven’t even had time to grieve the death of your father? Besides, what would people THINK if you didn’t show up at your own father’s funeral?

Did Jesus say “Sure, go ahead. There’s no hurry. Come back when you’re ready and you’ve got all the estate details settled.”? No, he said “Follow me, and let the dead bury their own dead.”

When I read the passage earlier this morning, it almost took my breath away to imagine myself in the man’s shoes hearing Jesus tell me to “let the dead bury their own dead”. But Lord! Surely you don’t expect me to come now without even burying my father?

Are you like me? Do you find yourself wanting to consider that passage just an extreme example that Jesus used to illustrate a point? Are you telling yourself that Jesus wouldn’t really expect anything that extreme from us today (love your enemies, turn the other cheek, sell your possessions and give the money to the poor, and so on…)?

Or, is it possible that Jesus does expects that much from us… a radical readiness to follow NOW…a no-holds barred willingness to leave behind the norms and societal conventions? Is it possible that He expects more than a watered down socially acceptable response to the gospel message?

What is Jesus asking of me? Of you? Of the church? Are we ready to “let the dead bury the dead” and follow Him?

Evening, and morning, and at noon

Years ago, I learned a scripture song based on Psalm 55. It's about casting your burdens on the Lord. The song says "evening, and morning, and at noon will I pray and cry aloud, and He shall hear my voice". This scripture came to my mind when digesting the talk about commitment (see previous post). I commit today to be in prayer "evening and morning and at noon", and to have more than a hit or miss approach to Bible study. I commit to being disciplined and diving into God's Word on a daily basis. Why am I telling you? Because it increases my accountability. If I keep my commitment, you will notice a difference in me. If you don't notice any difference, feel free to ask me if I've read anything good in the Bible lately?!

Before, On the way, and After

I really, REALLY didn't want to put a picture with my profile. If I included no picture, and you didn't already know me, you might imagine me as young and thin and beautiful. With my picture, you might decide you have no interest in reading anything a middle aged fat woman has to say. I considered using my picture from 18 years ago when I was approximately 100 pounds thinner. Or, I could have used a picture from a few years ago when I was even 50 pounds heavier. I have been up and down in weight most of my life. I'm currently on my way back down and hope to never return to my previous or current weight.

For me, being overweight is the result of eating too much. It's not a glandular problem. When I diet and exercise, I lose weight. When I seek temporary pleasure/comfort or stress relief from food, I gain weight. When I was in my late twenties, I lost approximately 80 pounds and was within 10 pounds of where I wanted to be. So, I know HOW to lose weight. Over the next 18 years, I gained about 150 pounds. I was a little slow in realizing that food wasn't giving me comfort or stress relief! It took uncontrolled diabetes to get my attention. I'm currently about 50 pounds down from my highest weight and my blood sugar is under control without medicine. My diet plan is "one healthy food choice at a time". The all or nothing mentality of dieting has been a frequent downfall in my past. Now, I'm trying to make good choices the majority of the time, while still allowing myself an occasional indulgence, but not allowing that intentional indulgence to derail me.

For those readers who are thinking "When is she going to talk about the sin of gluttony and treating our bodies like the temple of the Holy Spirit?", here is my response: Matthew 7:3-5. There is definitely a spiritual aspect to overeating, and the result is very visible for all to see. That visible result may lead some to question "How could he/she have let themselves go?" If you've had those thoughts toward an obese person, I (lovingly) suggest you look inward and consider when and where you've sought comfort in things other than God. What idols do you have in your own life? What things are you doing that are unhealthy, either in the physical or in the spiritual realm?

Make a decision today to seek your comfort in God alone. Make healthy choices, one at a time. Whether the result is weight loss, or a more loving spirit, it's a step in the right direction.

This blog is not about mental health...

I just returned from Ichthus 2008 (http://www.ichthusfestival.org/). For those unfamiliar, Ichthus is like a Christian Woodstock. I can't imagine a better festival for me because I love music, I love the outdoors, and I love God. It's a wonderful opportunity to leave the everyday routine behind and spend three days focused on worshipping God.

In addition to the concerts, there are terrific speakers. My blog title, I should be committed, was inspired by one of this year's messages. Justin Lookadoo (http://www.lookadoo.com/) spoke about the difference between "experience" and "commitment". He shared about an "experience" he had skydiving. Later in his message, J.C. Colclasure, a "committed" parachuter with thousands of jumps experience, dropped from a plane right over the festival main stage. His flight seemed graceful at first, but then the speed of his descent seemed to increase dramatically. In the last few seconds before he landed at the edge of the crowd of thousands, I think I could have reached up and grabbed his leg - or been kicked in the face by a less "committed" parachuter! It was a thrill to watch. How much more thrilling for him! Justin Lookadoo continued his message and challenged us to a deeper, more committed, relationship with God.

I do want more than a casual experience of Christianity. I want to be...I AM committed to more.... So, if you're wondering why I didn't title my blog, "I am committed" instead of "I should be committed", here's why: I've had struggles in the past with depression, and times when I felt like "I should be committed". During those times, I searched on-line for sites that might help me cope. I guess I'd like to think that there is some, however slight, possibility that my title, "I should be committed", might cause someone who feels like they're losing their grasp, to stumble upon, read my blog, and be helped by what I've learned. What I've learned is this: Commitment to God is the answer. During the worst and best days of life, my relationship with God is the only thing that sustains me. I wish I could say that I've gained victory in all areas of my life and all my struggles are in the past. I can't say that. But I can say that I know if I remain committed to God, He will lead me like a Shepherd and I will have joy in the journey wherever He leads.

(Update: I am leaving the address for my blog as "Ishouldbecommitted" but I've changed the title already. Writers perogative you know.)