Root Digging Breakthrough... Beth Moore Conference

I just returned home from a Beth Moore conference in Louisville KY. In the conference, Beth explored the parable of the sower from Luke 8. She brought out the following seven points:

• Treasure the wonder (of God’s Word).


• Protect your heart (that Satan might not steal God’s Word from your heart).


• Expect the Test (because it will come).


• Dig the roots (so that you do not fall away easily in time of testing).


• Stop the choke (of anxiety and seeking worldly pleasures).


• Retain the Word (deep in your heart, daily, early in the morning).


• Press forth to your 100 fold harvest (persevere).
  

The first part of my "root digging breakthrough" came in a side note related to “dig the root”. Beth said that our roots will only go as deep as our understanding of God’s love for us. You know how people talk about “light bulb” moments? Well, that was like a “lightening bolt” moment for me.

I have struggled my entire life with not feeling loved and or loveable, and I have never figured out why (until today! I'll write more about that later. Isn't it exciting?!). I believed that God loved others. In fact, I could believe He loved everyone else in the entire world except me. I could say, with some “head knowledge” that He loved me, but I had no “heart knowledge” of it. I just could not feel or accept God’s love for ME, but I also couldn't figure out why I felt so unlovable. If our roots can only go as deep as our knowledge of God’s love, then it is no wonder that I have never gained any deep rooted staying power in victorious living.

I’ve experienced plenty of times when I got a start at victorious living. I would get into the Word and begin to gain some victory. But time after time, my perseverance was lacking. If I could step back through each of those times to examine what derailed me, I suspect that every time it was Satan’s lie that I was not loved. The most recent example of this cycle was in the weeks preceding the Beth Moore conference. In June, I attended Ichthus, a Christian music festival in Wilmore KY. I was really challenged and uplifted to commit to a deeper level of Christian living. I made a renewed effort in regularly reading God's Word, spending time in prayer, making healthier food choices, exercising, and beginning to write. But like many times before, as the days passed, I began to struggle in all of those same areas where I had begun to gain victory. The struggle became intense in the week preceding the Beth Moore conference. Satan was sending his spiritual assassins out in an effort to keep me from attending.

If I were writing this story as a "graphic novel", a (not so) comic book, the cartoon illustration would go like this:

Satan has his minions (henchmen, lackeys) gathered and says "Well, we've almost wiped out all of the progress that God made with Janet during Ichthus. But there is great danger. She has a ticket to a Beth Moore conference! We absolutely cannot let her attend. Go do everything you can to cause conflict in her life and, most important of all, keep her believing that she is not loved. That is her greatest weakness."

It almost worked. A combination of hurts made me want to pull away and just avoid being with my sisters in Christ who would be attending the conference. Satan did not want me to hear the spiritual truths that would be shared at the conference. How Satan was defeated in that effort is a story for another day, but it required a woman of spiritual substance to pull me through.

The lightening bolt truth that Satan desperately wanted me NOT to hear at the conference was that my roots were being kept at a shallow level by my lack of understanding and belief in God’s love for me. I already knew that I lacked perseverance. I certainly knew that I struggled with believing in God's love of me. But now I knew that these two problems were intimately connected. Eureka!

This portion of the teaching came right before a break when "encouragers" were available to pray with me. Cartoon time again...

Janet says to herself "Great! I'll go ask for prayer in figuring out how to deepen my understanding of God's love." Off she goes to find the prayer area. Satan, even more desperate than before, says to his henchmen: "Do NOT let her find the prayer area. We have to keep her chained in the lie that she is not loved. If God breaks that chain, she might KEEP reading her Bible longer than ever before. Oh sure, she'll do better for awhile, just from a temporary inspiration of being at that dratted conference. But if we can keep her out of God's word on a continuing basis, we can keep her feeling unloveable, weak, and ineffective as a Christian. She must not find the prayer area. Go!"

So it's break time, and I head down to find the area where “encouragers” were available to pray with me. But I was in an unfamiliar and huge facility. My seat was on level 5, and the prayer area was down on the main level. I got off the escalator on both level 1 and level 2, but every door I entered off of the lobby took me into hallways with classrooms. I still don't know how you get to the main level of the sanctury!

Next cartoon...

After multiple failed attempts to find the prayer area, Janet passes a greeter giving instructions on where to find the refreshments. Most everyone seems to be following their directions and heading off for some snacks. Janet thinks to herself, maybe I should just go get something to eat. I am starving... Or I could look at the book tables. I know where that is. God's spirit whispers "You can hold out for physical food until after the conference is over and you can find the books another time. Just go back to your seat and read my Word. I want to feed you the bread of life." Janet goes back to her seat on Level 5 and opens the Word searching for some insight. Double Drat!! Satan knows he is defeated now.

That’s when the second portion of my breakthrough came. In a somewhat noisy sanctuary, where many woman were chatting (not following the request to keep the sanctuary as a sanctuary), I sat down and began to read my Bible. The Holy Spirit as my encourager lead me to a Word of promise and shed some light on my darkness. In Psalms 129:2-4 I read “They have greatly oppressed me from my youth, but they have not gained the victory over me. Plowmen have plowed my back and made their furrows long. But the LORD is righteous; he has cut me free from the cords of the wicked.”

The new truth that the Lord showed me is that the oppression from my youth was in seeing and feeling my mom’s pain and insecurity and her lack of understanding that she was loved. My mom was diagnosed paranoid schizophrenic and suffered numerous psychotic breaks throughout her life. It was extremely frightening as a small child and still difficult as an adult. I’ve always known that I was profoundly impacted by her mental illness and I can pinpoint some specific impacts. What I didn’t understand was that my inability to feel love was directly related. I had considered that possibility before, but had discounted it as not being the cause because despite mom’s illness, she showed me love. I didn’t suffer verbal or physical abuse. She and my dad expressed love. Yet I still couldn’t feel love. Why? During that break, God’s spirit spoke to me and said “You didn’t feel love because your mom didn’t feel loved. You didn't experience abuse, but you saw and experienced your mom's pain and turmoil. If she didn’t feel loved, how could you feel love? You saw yourself being so much like her. If she wasn’t loveable, neither were you. You believed the same lies that kept her chained and in bondage. But that passage of Scripture in Psalm 129 is for YOU. Your mom was greatly oppressed and that oppression continued in your life. But I AM RIGHTEOUS. I AM CUTTING YOU FREE FROM THE CORDS OF THE WICKED! And He added “NOW!”

This was my first experience with a Beth Moore conference. I have not yet done a Beth Moore Bible study. So, several times when she used the phrase a “destiny Word”, I kind of wondered about it. It’s not a concept I’m familiar with, but I suspect that the promise of deliverance in Psalm 129:4 spoken to me during that conference is a “destiny word” for me. Life changing. Delivering. Breaking the chains of Satan's lies. Illuminating the darkness with a truth that will allow my roots to grow deeper in the knowledge of God’s love for me so that I can withstand the time of testing.

It was still conference break time and God continued to whisper to me. As a child and a youth, I hurt with the question of why mom wasn’t healed of her mental anguish. As an adult, I’ve come to know that she WAS ultimately healed through death in this life and the transition to a heavenly life. I’ve also known that God has the ability and desire to take my mom’s pain - and my pain growing up with her mental illness - and use it for the benefit of others in similar pain. I’ve felt strong leading to write about it. It‘s one of those things that I began, but did not persevere. God began to gently remind me of this during the break.


The conference resumed and Beth continued teaching. Within a few minutes, she was addressing the point that God will birth passion from our pain. She shared the idea that the only reason we are left in this world when we accept salvation (rather than being immediately united with God) is in “mercy to a hurting world”. If we allow Him, God will use our pain, and our victory through Him, to show mercy to others who are hurting in the same way. That was a direct confirmation of what God had spoken to me during the break. What a blessing, and a sober challenge, to have that confirmation!


I know that the lightening bolt message showing me what was hindering my root growth, and the scriptural promise of deliverance is a new beginning, but it has to be followed with a “long obedience in the same direction“. I have to persevere in reading God‘s Word every day. I have to study about God’s love and hide it deep in my heart so that Satan cannot steal it back from me. I have to expect testing. I have to dig the roots and let God’s word heal and restore me one word at a time. I have to stop the choke "with the Holy Spirit giving me the Heimlich maneuver!", retain the word deep in my heart, and press forth to my 100 fold harvest.


I believe the promise. Now I have to live it. Praise God that His Love Endures Forever!