Bootstraps

Have you heard the expression "Pull yourself up by your own bootstraps"? According to a phrase finder website, "The origin of this descriptive phrase isn't known. It refers to boots and their straps and to the imagined feat of lifting oneself off the ground by pulling on one's bootstraps. This impossible task is supposed to exemplify the achievement of getting out of a difficult situation by one's own efforts."

Imagine yourself lying on the ground in a pit. Now, imagine trying to get up and out of the pit by pulling on your "bootstraps". You wouldn't get very far, would you? I've heard that phrase as "advice" for dealing with depression. Not particularly helpful. Anyone who has ever experienced a deep depression knows that outside help is (sometimes desperately) needed.

In our society, we don't like to admit a need for help. We value strength and independence and self reliance. This applies to all types of problems, but there is an additional stigma associated with emotional illness. As a result, we learn to create and maintain masks and hide embarrassing emotions. Sometimes, we're so successful at this that we can be on the edge of a dangerous precipice and no one knows.

If we admit our depression, or it becomes impossible to hide, others may not want to acknowledge or discuss it because it's uncomfortable for them. Family, friends, or co-workers may feel embarrassment or shame on our behalf and want to help us ignore or hide the problem. Nice of them, isn't it? Or, maybe they do want to discuss it - but do so with (what feels like) a third degree of questions designed to find out what you are or aren't doing properly that has resulted in the problem. At times, it almost feels they are angry and asking "What's WRONG with you?! You KNOW what you need to do. Why aren't you doing it?! Why are you failing to overcome?!"

Back in the 1980's, I worked at a shelter providing services for victims of rape and domestic violence. One surprising dynamic I observed was that women were often the ones who looked for reasons to blame a rape victim. They asked questions like "What were you wearing?" "Did you know him?" "What did you do or say (to send the wrong message)?" They're asking questions, looking for something the woman did wrong, so that they can reassure themselves it is less likely to happen to them. To the victim, the questions alone can feel like condemnation.

The same thing can be true with depression or other health issues. The motivation for the questions is usually to help (rather than to find fault), but it may be demoralizing to the person suffering. Well meaning friends may ask "Are you exercising? Eating right? Journaling? Spending enough time in prayer? Studying the Word?" It's likely that the answers are "no" or "not nearly enough" and just answering the questions increases the feelings of condemnation and guilt.

You may be thinking, "But aren't those things the answer???" Yes! Prayer and Bible study are like ropes or "life-lines" that we can grasp onto and climb out of the pit. But the point isn't whether those things will help (they WILL), but whether the person is currently able to "get a grip" on the rope. Positive encouragement or action on their behalf is more helpful than assessing their failed or inadequate efforts. Instead of asking "Are you praying (enough)?", say "let's pray" and pray for them out loud. In this electronic age, another idea might be to write out your prayer for them and email it to them. Instead of asking "Are you reading your Bible (enough)?", tell them a scripture that has helped you through a difficult time, or write it on an index card and give it to them. Remind them of the power of the Word through positive encouragement.

It's difficult to have a friend or family member (spiritual or biological) dealing with depression. It takes more patience and love to walk with them through their valleys. You might even begin to feel angry and judgemental because you're tired of their ups and downs. You think they should have gained victory and overcome by now. The depressed person would certainly agree. In fact, they beat themselves up all the time telling themselves the same thing. It's probably one of Satan's most effective strategies. Thankfully, God's mercies are "new every morning.

If you are in a pit, take courage. The LORD is your portion and His compassion will never fail. If your strength is completely gone and you cannot even grasp the rope, take courage. God will lift you up and set your feet upon the rock.

Lamentations 3:22-24
"Because of the LORD's great love we are not consumed, for his compassions never fail. They are new every morning; great is your faithfulness. I say to myself, "The LORD is my portion; therefore I will wait for him."

Psalm 40:
I waited patiently for the LORD; he turned to me and heard my cry. He lifted me out of the slimy pit, out of the mud and mire; he set my feet on a rock and gave me a firm place to stand. He put a new song in my mouth, a hymn of praise to our God. Many will see and fear and put their trust in the LORD. Blessed is the man who makes the LORD his trust, who does not look to the proud, to those who turn aside to false gods. Many, O LORD my God, are the wonders you have done. The things you planned for us no one can recount to you; were I to speak and tell of them, they would be too many to declare. Sacrifice and offering you did not desire, but my ears you have pierced; burnt offerings and sin offerings you did not require. Then I said, "Here I am, I have come— it is written about me in the scroll. I desire to do your will, O my God; your law is within my heart." I proclaim righteousness in the great assembly; I do not seal my lips, as you know, O LORD. I do not hide your righteousness in my heart; I speak of your faithfulness and salvation. I do not conceal your love and your truth from the great assembly. Do not withhold your mercy from me, O LORD; may your love and your truth always protect me. For troubles without number surround me; my sins have overtaken me, and I cannot see. They are more than the hairs of my head, and my heart fails within me. Be pleased, O LORD, to save me; O LORD, come quickly to help me. May all who seek to take my life be put to shame and confusion; may all who desire my ruin be turned back in disgrace. May those who say to me, "Aha! Aha!" be appalled at their own shame. But may all who seek you rejoice and be glad in you; may those who love your salvation always say, "The LORD be exalted!" Yet I am poor and needy; may the Lord think of me. You are my help and my deliverer; O my God, do not delay.