ANOTHER post about weight issues?!

I hesitate to keep writing about weight loss issues, since not everyone can relate. I don't know if I have any "readers" out there besides my friends and family, but I'd like to think that I was writing something that would encourage or challenge even the skinny readers.

In the last post, I wrote about the need to discipline myself to eat right regardless of whether I'm getting any positive reinforcement from the scales. What is your issue? Do you need to increase your love for your spouse through acts of service (or some other "love language") regardless of whether he/she responds? Do you need to change an attitude whether anyone notices or not? Gee, I've been SO much more patient lately and YOU DON'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT!!

If we listen, God will deal with us individually on the things that need to change in our lives. And we should be glad!

Proverbs 3: 11-12 says "My son, do not despise the LORD's discipline and do not resent his rebuke, because the LORD disciplines those he loves, as a father the son he delights in."

If we don't respond to God's prompting and correction on an issue, we can expect a more public correction, such as what Jesus described in Matthew 18:15-17:

"If your brother sins against you,go and show him his fault, just between the two of you. If he listens to you, you have won your brother over. But if he will not listen, take one or two others along, so that 'every matter may be established by the testimony of two or three witnesses. If he refuses to listen to them, tell it to the church; and if he refuses to listen even to the church, treat him as you would a pagan or a tax collector.

We all have areas where improvement is needed. I encourage you to join me in a 40 day challenge to work on whatever issue that God lays upon your heart. If you don't think that you have any issues that need work, then I encourage you to spend the next 40 days asking God to open your eyes and increase your humility...

40 day exercise in discipline

When I started dieting back in November, I weighed myself constantly. I know all of the experts tell you not to weigh more than once a week, but I've never, ever, listened to them. This time my weighing was obsessive. I would step on the scales every time I went in the bathroom. It became a curiosity as much as anything because I was amazed at how much my weight could fluctuate even within a single day.

The constant weighing seemed to desensitize me to the ups/downs. I think it actually helped me to stay calm when the scales would go in the wrong direction for a few days. When the numbers decreased, I adopted the practice of not considering the pounds lost until I had been below the new weight consistently for about a week. I'd think of my weight loss in terms of a five pound range, such as 20 - 25 loss.

As I settled into the diet, the frequency of my weighing decreased but I was still weighing once a day. It was going well, and from December through April, I averaged about ten pounds loss per month.

In the last two months, however, I've been struggling. As I watched the first 5 pounds creep back on, I figured it was water. But those 5 didn't go away, and another 5 joined them. Finally I got a grip and quit splurging as often. I lost those same 10 pounds again and weigh about what I did 2 months ago.

In the last week or two, the scales haven't moved in either direction, and it's creating problems for me. I'm not getting the reward of seeing the numbers go down and I'm fighting discouragement. What happened to "one healthy choice at a time"? It was supposed to be about getting healthy, not losing a certain amount of weight in a certain time frame. All of that self-talk worked just fine as long as I was losing weight!!! Isn't it easy to believe we have strength until we're actually tested?

In looking inward and analyzing why I've been struggling, I have to face the fact that my discipline is weak. I'm much too dependent on immediate gratification. I don't like that about myself. I need to "walk the talk" and turn the slogans into reality. I need to be strong enough to make healthy eating choices just because it's the right thing to do for my body. I need to be OK with waiting for the reward.

In my Bible study today, I was reading about Jesus appearing to the disciples after the resurrection. I never remember knowing a time frame associated with that, but Acts 1:3 says "He appeared to them over a period of forty days and spoke about the kingdom of God." The length of 40 days shows up repeatedly in the Bible; It must be a particularly good time frame for learning lessons. Since I need a change in battle strategy - to take the focus off of the scale - I've decided not to allow myself to weigh for the next 40 days. It may seem silly to some, but it will be very difficult for me. I hope it will be a good exercise in discipline. Eating healthy in obedience to God's instruction should be reward enough.

1 Corinthians 6: 19-20 says: Do you not know that your body is a temple of the Holy Spirit, who is in you, whom you have received from God? You are not your own; you were bought at a price. Therefore honor God with your body.

The battle

A few days ago, I decided that I need to exercise on our treadmill on a regular basis. I want to have a walking routine firmly established before fall when I close the pool. I did walk that night and was pleasantly surprised that my walking stamina had increased since previous "spurts". Swimming in the pool must be doing me some good. Since then, two days have passed when I did not walk on the treadmill. And, I really don't want to today. It could be easy to keep putting it off and let fall/winter creep up on me with no routine in place.

Yesterday, I'm sure I read my Bible in the morning, but I don't think I picked one up later in the day even though I have them strategically located in all of my resting places.

Last night, all I wanted to do was EAT. I've let myself run out of good fruit and crunchy veggies, so snack choices are more limited. I didn't get completely out of control, but I also didn't journal every bite. I'm fighting a mental battle against discouragement because I'm looking at the overwhelming mountain of fat that needs to be removed. I need to refocus my eyes...

Just yesterday I wrote about an endurance marathon versus a sprint. Today, I am mentally fighting the exact enemies that can turn my marathon into just another sprint. It would be so easy to succumb to fatigue and apathy and deceive myself into thinking that a day or two without reading my Bible, a day or two without exercising, a day or two eating what I want, couldn't hurt.

I'm not well prepared for battle. I know my enemies. I watch them approach. I even foolishly allow them to pick at me. Failure to act could allow them to devour me. I need help.

Deuteronomy 20:3-4 He shall say: "Hear, O Israel, today you are going into battle against your enemies. Do not be fainthearted or afraid; do not be terrified or give way to panic before them. For the LORD your God is the one who goes with you to fight for you against your enemies to give you victory.

Psalm 119:114 You are my refuge and my shield; I have put my hope in your word.

Isaiah 40:31 but those who hope in the LORD will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint.

I started this post early this morning and saved it in draft. It was past 6:00 p.m. by the time I made myself get on the treadmill, but I finally did. I put on a Praise Walk CD and walked to some uplifting scriptural praise songs. It felt great!! It felt like a victory in a battle.

I need to get better prepared for the next battle and quit allowing the enemies to get so close! Gotta go. My Bible is waiting.

Will this be a sprint or the start of a marathon?

I rarely do housework, but today I had a spurt of motivation and began working on the guest room, a.k.a. catch-all, hide-it-away, junk room. As I sorted through drawers and junk piles, I found several journals from years past. Each had just a few entries…and then they ended. I skimmed a few of the passages and the themes were familiar. I tend to journal when I am putting effort into a new commitment, such as a diet, or when I am inspired from spending regular time in God’s Word. Kind of like now…and this blog.

It’s sobering to look at all of the past starts, to realize how short-lived they were, and to imagine how different I would be today if any one of those starts had continued and become my consistent way of life. If I let myself, I could really get into some serious self-flagellation focusing on all of the failures of the past. I could sadly convince myself that this time will be no different. So, alas, I might as well give up now. I could do that, if I had no hope. But I do have hope and I am determined to learn from the past.

Time and time again, my experience has been that when I am spending time in communion with God, there is supernatural joy and strength for life’s challenges. When I get lazy and drift away from consistent time with God, I lose the struggle. Depression creeps in. Old habits return. My Bible gets dusty and life loses it‘s joy. The only way that this time will be any different is through perseverance and commitment.

Hebrews 12:1 says “Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles, and let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us.”

If I characterized my Christian walk to-date in race terms, I would have to describe it as a serious of sprints, with a lot of back-tracking in-between spurts. It should be more like an endurance marathon. What will help me persevere? Hebrews 12 verse 2 goes on to say “Let us fix our eyes on Jesus”.

Matthew 14 tells of a time when Peter had his eyes fixed on Jesus, but then he looked at the storm. If your Bible has headings, the heading for verses 22 through 34 is probably “Jesus walks on water.” But Peter walked on the water too! It just was a very short-lived walk. He stepped out in faith and actually began walking on the water. But then he looked at the wind, became afraid, and began to sink.

I feel like my numerous past journals represent times when I had a very short-lived walk on the water. With eyes fixed on Jesus, I began to experience victory in some area of life. Then I took my eyes off Jesus and the entries end. Sometimes I stayed in the water way too long, coming dangerously close to drowning, before calling out to Jesus to be rescued. The only way I can break that cycle and run an endurance marathon, instead of another sprint, is to keep my eyes fixed on Jesus. If I do that, all things are possible. Let the storms rage around me, but let me keep my eyes fixed on Jesus.

Being who we were created to be

On the way home from church yesterday, I saw a deer in mid-air as it was bounding through the field. It was a majestic sight. How wonderful that the deer was behaving exactly as it was created to be, and I was able to enjoy and marvel at the sight.

I began thinking about animals and flowers and all of creation other than man. I couldn’t think of any plant or animal that isn’t beautiful and majestic in it’s own way. I’ve never seen an uninjured deer that chose to limp along. Or a flower that decided it didn’t want to bloom… a fish that didn’t want to swim…a bird that didn’t want to fly. All of creation, other than man, seem to know exactly what they were created to be, and they’re being exactly that. Man, on the other hand, is a completely different story.

We learn early on to fear. We squelch down dreams (our own and others) and settle for the ordinary. We are rarely “majestic”. In some ways, I envy the animals. How wonderful, to be just be as God intended without the complications of the “knowledge of good and evil”. If man had never sinned, can you imagine the majestic beings we would be? But man did sin, and we are a far cry from majestic. Thankfully, that isn’t the end of the story.

Romans 8 verses 1 and 2 say “There is therefore now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus. For the law of the Spirit of life in Christ Jesus has set you free from the law of sin and death. “ Read the whole chapter. It talks about the “anxious longing of creation” “waiting eagerly for the revealing of the sons of God”. As children of God, we have His Spirit within us. As we walk according to the Spirit, and not according to the flesh, we become more and more of the creation God intended.

Yesterday was a day when the messages were “in sync” and it was clear that God was speaking to me on the topic of being who I was created to be. The sermon was on overcoming excessive fear. The Sunday School lesson was on the gifts of the Spirit. Seeing the deer turned my mind toward thoughts of God and the truth that He doesn’t make mistakes in creation. Later in the day, a scripture I was reading talked about how God offers us living water, but we build man-made cisterns that are broken and hold no water.

I don’t want to limp along in life when I was created to bound majestically. I don’t want to strain to drink from an empty broken man-made cistern when I can choose Living Water. It’s scary to even allow yourself to imagine that you could be more. Fear has programmed us to crawl instead of fly. But Romans 8:15 says “For you did not receive a spirit that makes you a slave again to fear, but you received the Spirit of sonship. And by him we cry, "Abba, Father."

Cry “Abba, Father” and choose the law of the Spirit of life in Christ Jesus. Let's bound like a deer, bloom like a beautiful flower, rise up on wings like eagles; Let‘s be the Sons of God we were created to be.

Cleaning closets

A few days ago, I started a closet cleaning project pulling out most of my winter clothes. This isn’t the usual shuffle of out of season clothes from one closet to another; I have a large walk-in closet with plenty of room for my entire wardrobe. There’s nothing wrong with these clothes. In fact, if it was still winter, these are the clothes I’d be wearing. Some of them have only been worn a few times. So, why am I getting rid of them? Because I don’t want it to be easy to return to unhealthy eating habits. I want it to hurt my wallet and my pride if I need clothes anywhere near the same size by next winter. I’m not buying new clothes in every size on my way down, but if I remain committed to healthier eating choices, the clothes being pulled from my closet will be way too big by next winter.

The negative (practical?) side of me thinks I should box them up and hold on to them, just in case. I would even understand if my friends and family tactfully suggested I hold on to them. After all, I dieted down to a size 10 in 1989 and then proceeded to gain 10 pounds a year for the next 15 years. I’m much more experienced in gaining weight than in losing it!

I wish I could say with complete confidence that I will never need my tent dresses again, but I am not that naïve. It is possible that next fall I could be writing a blog post about the pain of buying size 3X clothes when I gave away a whole wardrobe in that size. But I am willing to take that risk. I’m getting rid of these clothes as a vote of confidence in myself and an extra motivation. When I’m deciding how often to allow myself a “splurge”, I want to remember that I have no size 3X in my closet, waiting, just in case.

I wonder if there are any other areas of my life where I need to “clean the closet” so to speak. Am I holding on to anything else “just in case” I fail. What about you?

Dogs...an excellent creation

I can’t write a blog for very many days without finding an excuse to include pictures of my babies. I’ll save the (6!) cats for later. Today, it’s my dogs Chewie and Pepper that I want to talk about.

Aren’t they sweet looking? If you were meeting them in person, they’d no doubt try to lick your face and give you kisses… without knowing much of anything about you… without knowing if you loved them too…. without knowing whether you’d be kind to them again tomorrow. So loving. So trusting.

Why can’t we be more like dogs? Think how excited your dog gets when you return home. If you’ve never had a dog, trust me, they get EXCITED. Now imagine if your spouse (or son/daughter, mother/father) greeted you like that when you returned home EVERY day. Dogs don’t ever seem to get blah about things….oh, it’s just you again…let me get back to my bone…. No, they are excited, up on their feet, tails wagging, eyes bright, ready to give you hugs (knock you down rambunctiously) and kisses (slobbery licks).

We had a dog named Josh that turned circles when he got excited. We’d come home and he’d be going round and round by the fence, so excited to see us. One day when my husband Danny came home and I was in the doggy yard, I turned circles too. That’s been a long time ago. I probably need to turn some circles for him today to show him how much I love him.

Another thing about dogs is their seeming ability to forgive. Have you ever accidentally stepped on, or kicked your dog (they do get underfoot sometimes)? They’ll yelp and run away momentarily, but within seconds they’re back being their loving selves. Is it because they have limited memories and have already forgotten that you hurt them? Or, are they smart enough to understand you saying, “Sweetie, I’m so sorry; I didn’t mean to hurt you”, and trusting enough to believe that you won’t turn around and do it again?

Dogs don’t wait until you’ve failed to get their dinner on time and then bring up all the times you’ve been late in the past. They don’t ignore you when you come home because they’re mad at you for being preoccupied and ignoring them. They don’t wait until you’ve shown excitement to see them before they do the same. They are not a “you love me first and then I’ll love you” type of animal.

Regardless of what is going on in those sweet doggy brains, I think we could learn a few things from them. We do need to have some protection in place for our heart so that we don’t offer it up on a platter to be hurt again and again - but we need a balance too - where we can forgive others first and be able to love and trust again. Maybe not as quickly as our dogs, but sooner than next year.

I believe God created all things. I think He did an especially excellent job with dogs.

Let the dead bury the dead.

Matthew 8: 18-22
When Jesus saw the crowd around him, he gave orders to cross to the other side of the lake. Then a teacher of the law came to him and said, "Teacher, I will follow you wherever you go." Jesus replied, "Foxes have holes and birds of the air have nests, but the Son of Man has no place to lay his head." Another disciple said to him, "Lord, first let me go and bury my father." But Jesus told him, "Follow me, and let the dead bury their own dead."


Wow. Let the dead bury their own dead…

We lead our busy lives, fitting into society quite well, and feel pretty good when we squeeze in time for prayer, Bible study, and church activities. (No preaching in the desert, camel hair wardrobe and diets of wild honey and locusts for us.)

Can you imagine yourself in the place of the man whose father had just died? Jesus says “follow me”. You say, “Sure Lord. I’ll be right there. I just need to bury my father first.” Seems reasonable, doesn’t it? If ANYTHING would be a good reason for a short delay, wouldn’t that be it?!! How are you supposed to drop everything and follow when you haven’t even had time to grieve the death of your father? Besides, what would people THINK if you didn’t show up at your own father’s funeral?

Did Jesus say “Sure, go ahead. There’s no hurry. Come back when you’re ready and you’ve got all the estate details settled.”? No, he said “Follow me, and let the dead bury their own dead.”

When I read the passage earlier this morning, it almost took my breath away to imagine myself in the man’s shoes hearing Jesus tell me to “let the dead bury their own dead”. But Lord! Surely you don’t expect me to come now without even burying my father?

Are you like me? Do you find yourself wanting to consider that passage just an extreme example that Jesus used to illustrate a point? Are you telling yourself that Jesus wouldn’t really expect anything that extreme from us today (love your enemies, turn the other cheek, sell your possessions and give the money to the poor, and so on…)?

Or, is it possible that Jesus does expects that much from us… a radical readiness to follow NOW…a no-holds barred willingness to leave behind the norms and societal conventions? Is it possible that He expects more than a watered down socially acceptable response to the gospel message?

What is Jesus asking of me? Of you? Of the church? Are we ready to “let the dead bury the dead” and follow Him?

Evening, and morning, and at noon

Years ago, I learned a scripture song based on Psalm 55. It's about casting your burdens on the Lord. The song says "evening, and morning, and at noon will I pray and cry aloud, and He shall hear my voice". This scripture came to my mind when digesting the talk about commitment (see previous post). I commit today to be in prayer "evening and morning and at noon", and to have more than a hit or miss approach to Bible study. I commit to being disciplined and diving into God's Word on a daily basis. Why am I telling you? Because it increases my accountability. If I keep my commitment, you will notice a difference in me. If you don't notice any difference, feel free to ask me if I've read anything good in the Bible lately?!

Before, On the way, and After

I really, REALLY didn't want to put a picture with my profile. If I included no picture, and you didn't already know me, you might imagine me as young and thin and beautiful. With my picture, you might decide you have no interest in reading anything a middle aged fat woman has to say. I considered using my picture from 18 years ago when I was approximately 100 pounds thinner. Or, I could have used a picture from a few years ago when I was even 50 pounds heavier. I have been up and down in weight most of my life. I'm currently on my way back down and hope to never return to my previous or current weight.

For me, being overweight is the result of eating too much. It's not a glandular problem. When I diet and exercise, I lose weight. When I seek temporary pleasure/comfort or stress relief from food, I gain weight. When I was in my late twenties, I lost approximately 80 pounds and was within 10 pounds of where I wanted to be. So, I know HOW to lose weight. Over the next 18 years, I gained about 150 pounds. I was a little slow in realizing that food wasn't giving me comfort or stress relief! It took uncontrolled diabetes to get my attention. I'm currently about 50 pounds down from my highest weight and my blood sugar is under control without medicine. My diet plan is "one healthy food choice at a time". The all or nothing mentality of dieting has been a frequent downfall in my past. Now, I'm trying to make good choices the majority of the time, while still allowing myself an occasional indulgence, but not allowing that intentional indulgence to derail me.

For those readers who are thinking "When is she going to talk about the sin of gluttony and treating our bodies like the temple of the Holy Spirit?", here is my response: Matthew 7:3-5. There is definitely a spiritual aspect to overeating, and the result is very visible for all to see. That visible result may lead some to question "How could he/she have let themselves go?" If you've had those thoughts toward an obese person, I (lovingly) suggest you look inward and consider when and where you've sought comfort in things other than God. What idols do you have in your own life? What things are you doing that are unhealthy, either in the physical or in the spiritual realm?

Make a decision today to seek your comfort in God alone. Make healthy choices, one at a time. Whether the result is weight loss, or a more loving spirit, it's a step in the right direction.

This blog is not about mental health...

I just returned from Ichthus 2008 (http://www.ichthusfestival.org/). For those unfamiliar, Ichthus is like a Christian Woodstock. I can't imagine a better festival for me because I love music, I love the outdoors, and I love God. It's a wonderful opportunity to leave the everyday routine behind and spend three days focused on worshipping God.

In addition to the concerts, there are terrific speakers. My blog title, I should be committed, was inspired by one of this year's messages. Justin Lookadoo (http://www.lookadoo.com/) spoke about the difference between "experience" and "commitment". He shared about an "experience" he had skydiving. Later in his message, J.C. Colclasure, a "committed" parachuter with thousands of jumps experience, dropped from a plane right over the festival main stage. His flight seemed graceful at first, but then the speed of his descent seemed to increase dramatically. In the last few seconds before he landed at the edge of the crowd of thousands, I think I could have reached up and grabbed his leg - or been kicked in the face by a less "committed" parachuter! It was a thrill to watch. How much more thrilling for him! Justin Lookadoo continued his message and challenged us to a deeper, more committed, relationship with God.

I do want more than a casual experience of Christianity. I want to be...I AM committed to more.... So, if you're wondering why I didn't title my blog, "I am committed" instead of "I should be committed", here's why: I've had struggles in the past with depression, and times when I felt like "I should be committed". During those times, I searched on-line for sites that might help me cope. I guess I'd like to think that there is some, however slight, possibility that my title, "I should be committed", might cause someone who feels like they're losing their grasp, to stumble upon, read my blog, and be helped by what I've learned. What I've learned is this: Commitment to God is the answer. During the worst and best days of life, my relationship with God is the only thing that sustains me. I wish I could say that I've gained victory in all areas of my life and all my struggles are in the past. I can't say that. But I can say that I know if I remain committed to God, He will lead me like a Shepherd and I will have joy in the journey wherever He leads.

(Update: I am leaving the address for my blog as "Ishouldbecommitted" but I've changed the title already. Writers perogative you know.)